An open letter to greg:

I recently acquired a new phone (or new-to-me phone) or more specifically a shiny new samsung galaxy SII to replace my tired and abused sammy galaxy S that has been repaired several times with windshield repair kits.
The problem is, as with all problems with new phones, it’s locked to koodo, and I’m not a koodo customer (because koodo is a service provider for girls and children, and I am neither)
SO, weighing my options in front of me I could either
a) Buy a cheap unlock code from http://mobile-phone-unlock.com/ 
b) Software unlock it via play store download
c) cable unlock it with torrented pirateware

I rooted the phone fairly easily and installed a decent CFW, but none of the unlocking apps worked for me. Seems the american version of this particular phone is much more common and therefore has more software made specifically for it instead of the version I have. SO, I bit down and paid 8 bucks for an unlock code via the website mentioned above – which I’ve been forced to do before.
Unlock codes are sold online via independent sellers with special software that calculates the specific code for your make/model/branded phone. This is done based on Carrier, Model number, and IMEI, all which you provide at checkout.
After filling in the correct information and submitting my payment I recieved an email –
"Thanks for purchasing your unlock code from http://mobile-phone-unlock.com/. One of our technicians is calculating your code and will email it to you within 24 hours."
That was sunday. Today is wednesday. On tuesday afternoon I decided to use the websites "track my order" form to see what was taking so long. Normally unlock codes are delivered within 20 minutes of payment, as has been the case with the last few I’ve had to order.
In any case, I filled in the shit on the website and it says to me –
"Greg is working on calculating your unlock code, when done, he will email it to you within 24 hours"
Great. Greg’s on it, guys, no worries. Heaven forbid something has possibly happened to greg? Or maybe greg just forgot my fucking order? Perhaps greg does ten thousand orders a day and I’ve slipped the cracks somewhere? I await, greg, patiently.

Wednesday morning I check my email. Lo and behold! an email from greg himself! –
"I’m Greg from Mobile Phone Unlock. I will be manually calculating a code to unlock your mobile as the system was not able to do it automatically.
It will take me about 24 hours to generate the code but for your particular handset I need you to comfirm some details of the handset first to help me calculate the correct unlock code. Can you please visit this link and fill in the details."

Included was a link to a form, with useless questions like "how old is your phone 1) 0-6m 2) 1yr 3) I don’t know" and again asking for my IMEI number. I filled this form in, fuming, each typed character an imaginative laser beam etching into greg’s eyeballs.
Fuck you, Greg, Age of the phone has nothing to do with unlock codes. You obviously can’t find the code and now you’re just bullshitting me with a made up questionaire in hopes that I’m stupid enough to not realize what you’re doing.
And what is this 24 hour bullshit? Greg? It takes you a maximum of fifteen seconds to fill in my information and hit "generate" on your software. I know this because I’ve personally done it. I realize that you probably deal with thousands of codes a day, but 24 hours is a bit extreme, aint it?

I’d take solace in these emails, if I could, if I knew for a fact that it was all just a combover, a big pail of lies that makes up customer service. Though I’d love to think that there was really a greg out there somewhere, sucking down red bull, squinting over line after line of hex code just to calculate my unlock code because nothing would make him happier…..alas, it’s a front. A way to ensure that the customer feels "more better" about his service by appointing a "relatable human name" to an otherwise automatic, computer-driven scheme.

Fuck you guys, I’ll get the code myself. Give me back my eight dollars.