Buying a Used Car in 49 Simple Steps

WHERE THE RUBBER MEETS THE ROAD…
 

1. Go to ridiculous lengths to hold onto your piece of shit car. It’s a scary, evil world, swollen to the tonsils with unsavory motherlickers whose default setting is fucking their fellow man. Acknowledge that you can’t change human nature, and in today’s economy a perfect stranger is likely to regard you with about as much fellowship as a crocodile does a freshly slaughtered goat. You’ll know you’ve held on too long when the cost of maintenance and the rigmarole of meeting biyearly smog requirements far exceeds any reasonable cost of buying a newer vehicle. An extra incentive might be getting your car stolen and returned three or so times, rewarding you with that edgy, tainted feeling of entering your very own crime scene every time you slip into the driver’s seat.
 
2. Look into the mirror if you have to, and accept the fact that you have absolutely no instinct for wheeling and dealing. You are a product of both capitalism and the information age, and your protocol has been to do the research and simply find the lowest price for something you wanted, not entering a prolonged argument with a salesman and snarling over metaphorical scraps of meat on the ground. In fact, build up an unhealthy, irrational fear of salespeople and justify it with the countless horror stories you’ve gleaned from friends, family and the world at large so that the very thought of stepping into a dealership fills you with unconquerable dread.
 
3. Get money. The more, the better, because financing is the perfected art of raping with a calculator. If you work for it, save it well; if you’re gifted a bundle, be gracious and exhibit gratitude; if you’re loaned the sum, pay back on time with a smile.
 
4. To drown that status quo humbug lurching inside of you, it helps to set a reasonable time limit to your car-hunting endeavor. Add a tangible incentive, such as taking advantage of a government program that pays you to retire your vehicle. They’ll accept your application and give you a date. If they give you three months, by all means take two months and twenty-nine days to meet your goal. Doing so will surely fill you with an increasing amount of stress, making you more and more helpless and miserable as the deadline approaches, but at least it’ll light a fire under your ass.
 
5. You have the Internets. Do an insane amount of research about the kind of car you want, the ideal prices for the car you want, the psychological profile of a car dealer, YouTube videos featuring intimidatingly long lists of things to check during an inspection of a used car, any and everything you can to put off the actual purchase. Ultimately, you’re accomplishing jack divided by shit, but at least you’ll put yourself in the right frame of mind. While you’re at it, make sure you do your whole car buying thing right at the peak of an election cycle, especially if you’re obsessed with every article, debate, statistical fluctuation and fresh pile of punditry right up until you cast your vote. If you’re lucky, your divided attention will split your consciousness in half, until time itself can pour through your very being without tangible consequence.

6. Go to a few dealerships. Start out at a no-haggle establishment like CarMax. CarMax has an impressive selection of used cars at a set price, so you’re given the luxury of not having to engage in cognitive warfare with a salesman, so long as you’re entirely resigned to paying at least $3,000 more than what the car is actually worth. Check out local used car dealerships as well where they give you the right to bargain, so long as it’s down from a price that’s twice what the car’s actually worth. Grin, breathe deeply and take in the sights. This is the last of the sun you’re gonna see before you bury yourself alive in CraigsList ads….
 
7. You have one week left. Allow the searing grip of panic to take hold of you. This will give your entire perception of the world a slightly reddish quality. Just act natural. Be your own worst enemy, but pleasant and accommodating to others. It is your tenuous relationship to humanity that might just save you in the end.
 
8. It won’t take you long to realize that 75% of the CraigsList ads are from vendors, and 75% of the remaining ads are vendors posing as private owners. Turn your bullshit detector up to 11.5 and have an organized system that helps you keep each prospect straight from the others. A set questionnaire can be helpful, because it’ll force you to ask all the right questions. You’d be surprised how much information they leave out of their ad. The actual location of the vehicle is helpful; you want to keep it as close as possible and slowly widen the search. Is it an automatic? What’s the mileage? From a private owner you’ll want to know the reason for selling. And yes, you’ll sometimes even have to contact the seller just to find out the fucking price. One thing you really want to be certain about is whether or not that car to be has a clean title. A salvage title means that the vehicle got trashed so bad that the insurance company declared it a total loss. The resale value takes a big hit, but thousands of these cars are fixed up and put back into the market looking as fresh and perfect as they did the day they rolled off the factory floor. Waiting…
 
9. An actual car for sale is usually adequate proof that a person is serious about their own ad, and that an amicable transaction is truly desired by both parties. But even then, don’t be surprised if the person you’ll be dealing with is a complete and utter flake. Don’t be surprised if the seller is a young actress-wannabee whose dayjob eats up nearly every nanosecond of daylight. Don’t be surprised if the seller schedules every remaining second within a millimeter of its own time-space parcel. Don’t be surprised if she is locked inside of her own skull, her perception a prison to her ego, completely oblivious of how impossible she makes it for other people to actually give her what she wants. Do not be surprised, because it will happen. Sure as slugs slip between grains of earth and sea lions splay their suede-covered blubber towards the sun in reverent ecstasy–self-obsessed crazymakers will enter your life and stretch your patience so thin, you’ll forget it was ever there. Said disaster will never realize on her own that she is incapable of tolerating the very same behavior she inflicts upon others, but it’s not your job to point it out. Your job is to get the car… Get the goddamn car.
 
10. Contact the seller. Arrange a meeting. Meet at a public place both of you can reach relatively easily. She’ll say anywhere, but that means a half mile from her home. She’ll say anytime, but that means the fifteen minutes she’s allotted before she goes to work (which she’ll schedule no more than 50 minutes in advance). Preparing for this meeting is perfectly awkward, not unlike a first date. You will most probably remove an important patch of skin along the gumline while you’re brushing your teeth, because nothing inspires instant trust like a bleeding mouth.
 

I swear it’s only my OWN blood!
 
You’ve done enough research on used cars to do a meaningful first-impression inspection, but you’re not a mechanic, and she hasn’t left any time for a test drive, not that she’d agree to one anyway because PLEASE DON’T KILL ME! Just make sure that there are no glaring red flags and ask as many relevant questions as you can without sounding completely full of shit.
 
11. The car is 18 years younger than your current vehicle, and you are completely, irrationally desperate to get her car. All the same, do your best to obliterate that screaming, head-on-fire instinct to pay the asking price for her vehicle. Offer less, significantly less, and back up your rational with some Blue Book figures. Hold in your incredulity when she walks away saying "I have to think about it" instead of making a counteroffer.
 
12. Every minute you wait to hear from her will feel like a million years as you are plagued by immersive hallucinations of hobbling to and from work, your head and face scalded by the sun, your feet worn down to the leg-bones, people pointing and laughing and pegging you with wine bottles from their luxury sedans. Go ahead and buy a CARFAX® membership to pass the time. CARFAX® reports will let you know whether or not your pristine little acquisition in question had a few accidents on the way to the used lot. It’s not full-proof, but it will give you a pretty fair indication of whatever secrets the seller is refusing to share. An "unlimited plan" ($54.99) lets you look up 5 vin numbers or as many license plates as you want for 30 days.
 
13. Don’t be intimidated by a text that arrives late in the day that says something along the lines of "I want to negotiate with you but I’m not sure how much lower I can go." You’re waiting for a an actual return bid, and in hopes that you’ll get one, go ahead and text something both noncommittal and reassuring like "take your time, and throw me a figure that keeps you comfortable," even though you’re chomping at the bit to make the deal.
 
14. She’ll make an offer of $400 less. Use the fact that this is a slap in your face to your advantage. Allow the insult to echo and reverberate in your frame, and follow the electrical impulse from stimulus straight to righteous indignation. Let the fires of hell and Wrath of God inform your patient resolve as you remind said seller that the price is still droolingly overinflated, countering with $1050 less. 
 
15. Keep the process going as long as you want, bearing in mind your personal deadline, and the toxic notion that the longer you haggle, the more you are contributing to a way of life that has rendered 80% of the business community an absolute horror to deal with. The price is right when you know, beyond an iota of doubt, that you can look back on your transaction from decades in the future without the slightest hint of regret. 
 
16. Once you settle on the price, take a good look at the CARFAX report. No accidents? No overhauls? No exorcisms? Great, but you still need a professional to take a look at the vehicle. Make a request that she bring the vehicle to a local mechanic. She’ll respond by leaving town for the weekend, because who doesn’t cockblock a major sale with a relaxing getaway?
 
17. Since nothing is certain and you’re still filled with restless energy, take it out on Craig’s List. Another deal may still be waiting…
 
18. Here’s one. Newer model, fewer miles, comparable price. Almost too good to be true. Call up the seller and don’t be thrown by the Middle Eastern accent. That’s racist! Or that his alleged reason for selling is that he’s leaving the country. Or that when you ask for the license plate number for the CARFAX report, he mumbles something about the car having a "different kind of plate." Or that when you input the vin number he sends, it comes up as a DIFFERENT GODDAMN CAR! You desperate, remember?! And you have to follow up every lead until it careens you towards either the car of your dreams, or a black concrete wall in the dark.
 
19. Try not to die of shock when the new seller completely ditches the appointment you made at your mechanic’s in order to get the car checked out. You can’t expect anyone to do anything just because they say they will. Not now, not ever. Especially with Craig’s List, which got more flakes than a dandruff convention.
 
20. You’ll find out from the seller’s "wife" that the car has a salvage title. Yes, this is the exact opposite of what you’ve been lead to believe. This should be a dealbreaker, but isn’t. A salvaged title can be salvageable, especially if you don’t give a shit about the resale value (because you plan on driving the car until it splits in half). Simply put, a newer car that’s been in a horrible accident can still be a better buy than an older car with significantly more miles. But, again, only a trained mechanic would be able to tell the difference.
 

Classic "Before" Pictures
 

21. You have nothing to lose, so haggle away. But make sure you do it around the same time as when your landlady reminds you that tonight’s the night you were to accompany her to that Halloween thing where the actors in Victorian dress wail and gesticulate Edgar Allen Poe stories in monologue form at the botanical garden by torchlight, very quaint but nothing you’d pay full price for but it’s free so what the hell, and she’ll FREAK THE FUCK OUT when she notices you texting the seller’s "wife" on the way to the function because she’s one of maybe a hundred people in LA that doesn’t text, ever, and doing so in her presence for too long is not merely rude but a capital offense, and try not to be a stick in the mud and enjoy this social outing and do everything inyour power to let go of responsibilities (bad things on horizon what if maybe I don’t know why can’t anything work the way I want the fuck am I gonna do now) and sneak a text here and there when one of you goes to the bathroom.
 
22. Get home and ruin your friend’s viewing of Prometheus by badgering him about the philosophical differences between a salvage title and a salvage certificate (the latter of which would mean that the car couldn’t be driven legally until it was inspected and approved), and debate for no less than two hours whether or not it’s worth it to attempt a sale without dragging this seller, whom you trust about as far as you can comfortably blow a peanut out your nose, to the DMV to make sure that the paperwork goes through.

Birth of a Car Dealer

23. Sleep on it. Take a chance and meet the seller at your mechanic’s. What do you have to lose, so long as you have the power to call it off at a moment’s notice just as soon as it gets hinky. He’ll show up in the automotive prospect, and against all preconceived notions he will be a grunting, pushy, swarthy, stocky, hairy troglodyte in a tracksuit. He’ll alternatively say "good car" and "good price" about fifty quadrillion times.

24. You’re trusting your mechanic’s expertise, so pay close attention to his perpetually forlorn and anxious expression in addition to everything he says. He’ll ask the seller if the car has had a Brake and Lamp inspection, which of course it hasn’t, because why would he make a car legal to drive just because he was selling it?! Insist that he gets a Brake and Lamp certification before you even consider buying. This will make him angry, shouting at everybody. Your mechanic will mention a ticking in the engine that shouldn’t be there, something he noticed immediately when the vehicle was being driven into the garage. Call it all off, flatly.  Salvaged or not, you’re not shelling out that much dough for a car that’s not in perfect working order.
 
25. Sit back and enjoy the show. Omar will go ballistic–yelling, cursing, shaking his fist, running in circles. He’ll get in the car, K-turn violently, and speed away, his head jutted out the window bellowing incomprehensible rage at everyone. As an added bonus, your mechanic will say something tolerably racist like, "Armenians… Always trying to cut corners." 
 
26. You’ll get an angry text from the Armenian on your way back home insisting that he gets a deposit on the car you have no intention of buying before he gets the inspection he should have gotten before he even showed up. Politely decline, and mention the ticking engine. He’ll text back something absolutely precious, like

Your mechanic it mickymouse 
he dosnnt know what his nothing 
about this cars you need to get 
good mechanic I think he dosent
know anythingabout cars sorry.

Go ahead and laugh your ass off, and know in your heart that as spiritually exhausting the whole useless tangent had been, that text alone made it all worth it.
 
27. Back to Option One. The mechanic inspection might feel like a formality at this point, but follow through. It’s a good investment for the peace of mind alone. The seller can’t find the time to go to a local mechanic, so be willing to pay twice as much to have somebody check it out where she works. Carchex is reputable, but more for extended warranties and basic road tests of the vehicle for out-of-state clients. Lemon Squad is reasonable and does a fairly extensive diagnostic.
 
28. On the day of the scheduled inspection, a mere two days from the deadline to turn in your piece-of-shit car to the dismantler’s, you’ll get a detailed email from the seller explaining how impossible the mechanic is being, calling while she’s going to work, asking for a photocopy of her registration, daring to insist that the meet take place on the same day that she agreed. She’s "super-slammed with work," could we maybe hold off until Sunday?
 
Count to 10, or 100, or 1,000 or whatever does the trick, and take solace in the notion that if wanting to strangle somebody to death was just as bad as actually strangling somebody to death, everybody on the planet would be dead or in jail. Email back that the inspection is already paid for, and the whole point was to have him come to her place of business, and waiting until the weekend would definitely entirely defeat the purpose. Call up the inspection company and whisper a silent prayer of empathetic thanks when they confirm that the seller is indeed being difficult. Verify that they don’t need a photocopy of her registration. Email the seller back, and leave the situation securely in God’s Hands.
 
29. Amidst heightened uncertainty and the continued skepticism of friends, neighbors and family, commit to the ultimate act of faith. Legend has it that Cortés burned the ships that brought him to the New World, consigning his men to an inevitable conflict with the Aztec Empire. Half a millennium later, you take your car to the scrap yard to be quartered, crushed, pounded and pulverized into dust. Do not organize a ride back home with anyone. Hoof it. If you have a hole in your sock and the resultant friction between your sneakers and exposed foot during the prolonged sojourn causes not so much a blister but a dime-sized patch of completely obliterated skin that makes it impossible to walk without a limp, all the better.
 
30. If your seller has a lien on the car, you’re opening up the proverbial can of Neptunian Brain Slugs, and you will have to enter a perilous nether-region where shadow is indistinguishable from solid form, especially if your vehicle-to-be’s title is with Toyota Financial Services.
 
Strangely, TFS is not directly associated with Toyota Motor Corp. (as they’re quick to mention) and they have no office you can visit to take care of any problem. In fact they are a band of robed, inter-dimensional cultists who have existed eons before cars were even invented and they feed off the accumulated sacrificial bile of ten trillion dissatisfied customers.
  
The process of transferring ownership with hard currency seems pretty easy if you read about it online. Ideally you and the seller go to the dealership, you give them the money that’s left on the lien, you give the seller the remainder of the agreed-upon price. The dealer gives you a bill of sale, the seller gives you the car.
 
But when you call the Toyota dealership, they’ll tell you it’s completely out of their hands. When you call TFS, they’ll tell you you have to go through the dealership. Pointing out this paradox to TFS is actually a mystical incantation not unlike answering a hobogoblin’s third riddle that sets a hierarchy of multiple-realities in motion. One moment they’ll say that you have to prepare a "transfer of equity" to put everything in your name, the next they’ll claim that they’ll call the DMV themselves with an "Admin Resolution Request for DMV Registration" to let them know that everything is hunky-dory.
 
The ultimate goal is to create a viable transaction that guarantees you can legally drive the car you completely pay for.
 
Good luck with that.
 
31. Meet the seller at a Carl’s Jr. that’s close enough to reach in the time that she gives you after her work, but far enough that walking there is a major inconvenience. Both of you have talked to TFS and been told different things. You’ll both speak to a fork-tongued underling via cellphone, and he’ll merrily charge your debit card for the balance, completely ignoring everything you’ve been told by the company up until that point, dooming you to at least a two to four week wait to get the title.
 
You talk it up the foodchain, and a horned demigod assures you that all you need is a document called an "Authorization for Payoff and Title Processing." They’ll fax the document to the seller’s place of business. She will sign it, scan it, email it to you, and then you are to print it and fax it back to TFS. For whatever reason, it has to get back to them before the account is closed. You blithely roll along with it, Who cares if you’ve been given every indication that they’re making everything up as they go along? 
 
Walk home. At times like these, when you lose thousands of dollars in an instant with absolutely nothing to show for it, it helps to pretend that it’s happening to somebody else. The winds will pick up, and blow fiercely in the opposite direction of your stride. It’s not the end of the world, just a simulation as the soul of your now dead, accursed Camry fights the dark forces of North Hollywood to take unholy jurisdiction of a long forsaken plane of existence.
 
32. Wake up. Check your email. The "Authorization for Payoff and Title Processing," is waiting there for you. As you suspected, everything is already signed and filled out, and there is absolutely no earthly reason why the seller couldn’t have faxed it from her place of business to TFS. But don’t complain, don’t bring it to anyone’s attention. Staples (you can’t fax from your place because you haven’t had a landline in over a year) is within a mile’s walking distance, and you have nothing else pressing (since you’ve already canceled work for the week). Take in some air.
 
You fax straight and true. Call to confirm, and TFS informs you you’re not currently authorized to ask questions about the account. You know, the one you just completely paid off that previous night. You’ve been told that the fax will lead to some sort of documentation that you’ll be able to show to the DMV in order to get a temporary registration while everyone is waiting for the title to show up.
 
Email the seller and pass in and out of consciousness. You’re more tired than oven-dried shit, but can’t go back to sleep, because today’s the day the handyman is boarding up the space between the beams in the roof so the raccoons can’t come back.

HA! EVICTED, you Fuzzy Cockgobblers!
 

33. The charge to your bank account has cleared, and the seller is finally willing to part with her vehicle. Have a good friend drive you to the meet. Give the seller the remainder of the agreed upon price in cash and write out two bill of sales, one for you and one for her.
 
Sneak home. There is nothing more exhilarating than making your first outing in your new car completely illegal, but what are you gonna do, tow it? Drive at a reasonable speed, and try not to crash into anything, especially police cars.
 
Congratulations, you’re half way there! You have the car of your dreams, you just require the legal qualification to drive it…