my hospital visit—edit—

I went to the hospital a couple of nights ago because my heart beat was irregular. Every now and then my heart skips a beat, but this was just ridiculous–it was happening like every other beat. It made me very nervous. When my chest started hurting I decided to wake my parents and tell them about it. They decided that I should go to the hospital. I didn’t really want to go because my insurance sucks so badly. I have a $5,000 deductible I have to meet before the "free" insurance kicks in. That means that my parents will be footing the entire hospital bill. Lord knows how much *that* will be.

Anyway, at the hospital they gave me an EKG and took some blood. They told me that my potassium levels were low and that was causing my heart to beat irregularly. I guess I wasn’t getting enough potassium in my diet. I don’t eat a lot of bananas.

I e-mailed Amir telling him that I was going to the hospital. He didn’t reply to the e-mail so I thought something might be wrong. Two days went by and he didn’t reply. I e-mailed him asking if he was alright *TWICE* and on the second e-mail he sent me "yes. quit asking." He did not reply to the e-mail about my hospitalization. He got on Skype a couple of hours after his "yes. quit asking" email and we talked for maybe an hour. 

My brother, his girlfriend and I planted my seedlings in the vegetable garden today. I took Amir outside (I took the laptop outside) and showed him the garden.

Towards the end of the conversation he sounded like he was fussing when he asked me how often I need to be hospitalized for this. He told me I’m always complaining about my heart skipping beats. Can I help it if my heart skips beats occasionally? I guess I could eat more potassium, but seriously, though, it’s not like I make it do that on purpose. Maybe he’s screening me out because he wants a healthy woman to bear his children. 

He acted so unconcerned….like he didn’t even care at all. Then he started asking questions. I said sarcastically "Well, don’t you worry about me, okay? I’m fine" and he said "I know you’re fine. You’re always fine." 

My ER doctor told me I need to destress. Right, how am I supposed to do that? I have a boyfriend at war (who acts like he doesn’t give a fuck about my health), I still need to take an entrance exam for nursing school (which I’m having trouble getting signed up for), I have a paper in Intro to Film due (I missed a day, e-mailed her  to see what I missed and haven’t gotten a response two weeks later), I have a project due in Statistics, along with another exam coming up, and on top of all that, I have to plan for Amir’s homecoming, pack all my stuff up and figure out how to get my motorcycle to Amir’s new post, and buy a one way ticket to his parents house in the Midwest. Oh, right, I have to do my taxes, fill out some forms for financial aid for my new school, buy books and register all before Amir comes home, too. How could I forget that? That is… assuming I got into nursing school. Apparently the paper I got that said I met the criteria for nursing school doesn’t actually mean I got in. This is so stupid. My grades are fantastic. And my health is suffering for it. 

 

I don’t know what to do anymore. The ER doctor gave me Atavan. It’s an anti-anxiety medication. She said when I feel overwhelmed to take one. I only have fifteen of them… maybe I can get things under control enough. 

 

Can I just say that I’m tired of everyone being so fake. I will reiterate that I fucking hate Facebook and it’s competitive "my life is greater than yours" bullshit. Just shut the fuck up. 

 

I’m in a really terrible mood. I think I’m gonna sign off for a while. I dunno what to do. I think I’m just a bit depressed about the fact that Amir acts like he doesn’t give a flying fuck about me. He says I’m clingy and emotional. What the fuck ever. I’m so sick of this shit. I’m just trying to be a good girlfriend… I’m trying to keep shit together on my end. 

*sigh*…what a day. I need a way to think more positively. 

Can someone suggest a way for me to think more positively????? It would be greatly appreciated. 

 

 

 

 

—————edit————————-email to Amir I just wrote—————————————————————————————————

 

 Dearest Amir,
 
Instead of sitting on my emotions and thoughts and letting things fester, I’ve decided to write you an e-mail explaining what I’ve been feeling lately. Yes, it is *somewhat* emotional, because emotions are feelings and vice versa. Just try to bear with me and empathize as best as possible. 
 
Sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed with how much I still have left to do for nursing school. I still have to take the 4-hour Nursing entrance exam (which I’m absolutely sure I’ll ace), and I have to fill out a few forms and send them to the college with my 2009 income tax return–signed and dated. This means I have to get my taxes done. I have yet to do that. I’m having trouble actually scheduling the Nursing entrance exam because it’s not normally available in this area. The nearest testing center is at a location about 45 minutes away from me. 
 
I have also been feeling overwhelmed by school here, too. I have a paper due in Intro to Film. I missed a Film class 2 Fridays ago (we didn’t have class last Friday because of Good Friday), and I e-mailed my teacher the day that I missed class for instructions on how to do the paper, what is required, what I missed in class, etc. She still hasn’t e-mailed me back, and it’s been 2 weeks. So that means that everyone else has a 2 week head-start. Her lax e-mailing isn’t my fault, though. I also have a Stats project due before our next exam, which is quickly approaching. 
 
With all this up in the air, I guess I just want to feel like one thing in my life is a constant. I guess that’s why I’ve felt like I’ve needed "extra" reassurance lately, even though I know you love me and miss me. And while I know this to be true, it’s especially nice to hear these things when I’m feel like I’m swimming up stream. You can understand that, right?
 
I know it seems like all I talk about is what’s going on with me. This is because I don’t really know what’s going on with you. I understand that you can’t tell me *exactly* what you do everyday, but you *could* open up to me about some things. You could tell me about how you’re feeling, what your days was like, etc. You don’t have to violate OpSec, nor would I want you to because I know the enemy has computers, too, but it would be nice to know what’s going on with you on some level. You used to write me letters. Maybe you’re just too busy for that now, which is understandable. If you are, though, just tell me and I won’t keep looking in the mail box for a letter from you. =)
 
Of course, you *are* doing some things right, too. You manage to get on Skypes almost every day. I really appreciate that;  I thank you for that. The time y

ou take to talk to me almost every day really means a lot. I know that I am fortunate to have this, so I just wanted to let you know I appreciate it. You’re almost always pleasant to talk to, and if you’re in a bad mood, you do well to not take it out on me. I appreciate that, too. I wish there were something I could do to help you to cope with things there. If there’s anything I can do, let me know. 
 
 I know you’re very busy, and I don’t want to be too demanding of your time. You have a job to do there, and you need to be able to concentrate and do your job well. I realized you have very little down-time, barely any time to relax at all or watch TV or play games. Anyway, thanks for the time you take out of your day to talk. And I especially love singing you to sleep. <3
 
So, that’s all I had to say, really. I was just wanting to tell you all this. 
 
I hope you have a pleasant day today! 
 
Loves,
(me)