“Let’s go have sex” is not a turn on to my bf. . .

 Well, who knew? 

My bf and I have now been together for 3.5 years. He says I don’t let him pursue sex with me enough… like I need to make it difficult for him or something. I guess he likes the game, who knows? And I’ve played this game before. If I act aloof (and act like I don’t care about sex one way or the other), there is no magical breaking point for him. He will just continue on like nothing is any different. He seems like he just doesn’t care about it. And c’mon people, I’m not UNattractive. To the contrary, I think I’m quite attractive. I stay in shape. I have a nice face and all that. I just don’t get it. But like I said, I’ve played this game where "he needs to pursue me" and it doesn’t work. If I waited for him to come to me for sex I’d be waiting for 3 or 4 weeks. 

Okay, so 3 or 4 weeks for one romp in the sack isn’t as bad as waiting for him during the two deployments that both took over a year EACH to complete, but still, I should be getting it more than once a month. WTF! I guess I’m reaching my "sexual peak" or whatever…. what a cruel irony God has created. Women have their "sexual peak" from 29-35 and men have theirs from 18-24. How about that, eh? Maybe older women need younger guys? lol

Amir told me today that he wants us to move forward in our relationship (ie. get engaged and married), but he’s afraid that I will continue to be a jealous mess when we do. I told him that if we were actively taking steps to advance our relationship then I wouldn’t feel like I HAD to be jealous. I only get jealous when I feel like I’m going to lose him… or when I feel like I might lose myself. And if we were engaged (or married) there’s no way I would think I could lose him because he’s already made that commitment to me.

Okay so… lose myself… let me explain. 

Today we were driving for about a couple of hours and we were talking about what we would/could improve about our relationship. He told me about the sex thing… how he wants to pursue me. I told him that if I wear my heart on my sleeve and will definitely TELL him what I want when I want it. If I stop asking for sex or wanting to have sex with him then it’s too late. By the time he gets around to having sex with me I won’t want it. If I’m not actively taking in interest in sex (or cuddling, or kissing, or whatever it is he wants to do), then I don’t want it from him anymore, and he might as well not even try. 

So, we’re opposites about that………

Anyway, I told him that he needs to pay more attention to me. He needs to cuddle me more, show me more affection, have sex with me more often. I told him that I don’t want to start looking outside of the relationship for things that I feel like I’m not getting IN the relationship. I told him I don’t want to be tempted with that. He asked "ARE you tempted by that?" I said "No… but even if I was I don’t think I would tell you." And hence, the "lose myself."

And the truth is, it would be VERY easy to have sex with someone else if I wanted to. And trust me, I’m not THAT hard up to where I want to start ho-bagging around. I’m just saying there are plenty of soldier boys out here that would love to get it on with me. In fact, a soldier boy recently confessed his love to me. He is in my self-defense class. He has a live-in girlfriend and they’ve been together for a year and a half but for some reason he finds me irresistible and can’t stop thinking about me. I’m the most adorable thing in the world, etc.. Why he chose to tell me this, I have no idea. He knows I have a live-in bf of 3.5 years but… still. I guess some things don’t matter to people. 

SEE WHAT I MEAN?! Boyfriend/girlfriend means next to NOTHING in the military. Which is why I’m always so afraid to lose Amir. Shit, MARRIED barely means anything to people anymore. But at least there’s the legal responsibility holding things together with marriage. The fact that we’re not married isn’t the only reason I’m afraid to lose Amir. When he got back from deployment this last time he handed me a box of letters that I had sent him when he was deployed (it was a LOT of letters), and I found one in there from a girl named Amanda. Worse yet, though, I found his REPLY to this girl named Amanda. He had told her that he had been in the military for 12 years or some shit. He told her that he loves to read and go to the gym. He said he likes to sleep. He said that he doesn’t need any packages from anyone (didn’t say WHY he doesn’t need packages… hello, IIIIIII sent him packages every week but he didn’t feel the need to mention that.) He told her every minute detail of his life… and FAILED TO MENTION HIS GIRLFRIEND OF THREE YEARS AT ALL. Uhm, *hello!!!* Are you fucking serious? At the end of the letter he put "Looking forward to getting to know you." I lost it, man. I was just livid. I almost left him that day. I was so fucking close. He begged me not to go and told me that Amanda was some old woman who had wrote him from one of those care packages group.  I told him that everyone I knew named Amanda was MY age, not an old woman. Boy did I fucking lose it. I’m getting heated just thinking about it……..

So… there’s that… and then there’s him and his "friend" from NY. They were emailing back and forth on FB one day before he deployed the second time. I saw the email on FB because he had left it up. They were basically chit-chatting and then it got weird b/c she invited him to NY to visit her (with no mention of brining ME along). Then when he didn’t reply immediately she put "Thinkin’ about ya, Captian. ;P "   Yes, she put that disgusting winky with a tongue sticking out emoticon.  I’m like… WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH? Does she not see the "In a relationship" on your FB status. Is she completely BLIND of the profile picture you have up of you and me?! What a fucking whore! I still fucking hate that bitch to this very day.

And one last thing that makes me completely jealous… I found some chat conversations on his MSN and Yahoo logs on his old computer of when we were first dating and he had deployed the first time. He was flirting with a couple of different girls on chat. One of them even sounded like he was webcamming with a girl and she wasn’t fully dressed or something. This was maybe 3 years ago or so. God all this makes me sick.
 

So… it’s not my imagination and I’m not completely irrational for feeling the way I do and being jealous. I feel I’m justified in this. I feel that I have a lot to be concerned about, especially if he seems unwilling to commit to me in any official (or expensive) capacity. He DID say that he does want to "move forward" with our relationship. I guess all this attention from other men lately has got him a little concerned. GOOD! xD   He should be! I’m a great catch and he’s not the only one that knows it!

Aaaaand that’s all I have for you today.