I don’t know why I mention his deployments…

Sometimes I feel like I talk about Amir’s deployments too much. I guess when I really think about it, I got through them okay.

But I feel like they were a significant and important time in my life… and traumatic. I think his deployments helped shape me into the person I am today. Sometimes when I talk to my nursing school friends I want them to understand things about me… understand why I am in love, why I am ready to get married and have babies. I want them to understand that the deployments really impacted my life. But at the same time I feel like they don’t get it. I feel like noone really gets it. Like I’m all alone. Sure, some of them have husbands in the military, but I don’t think that any of them have gone through as many deployments (or as lengthy deployments) as Amir and I have…. and a lot of them I know were unfaithful, so I don’t think they can relate to me as well, either.

I don’t know, I guess I’m just reflecting back on things… reflecting on why I talk about deployments like something terrible happened to me. Maybe because I feel like it did. It was absolutely horrible. As much as I want to join the ranks among the "military wives" and be seen as legitimate in their eyes, I also want Amir to get out of the military. Amir and I were talking this morning before I went to school. I told him that I wanted him to get out of the military… and then I said "I’ll never be a military wife…" kind of pouting. He said "Not with that attitude you won’t!"

It’s just interesting… I feel very ambivalent about the whole thing. I don’t think that it’s because I have a weak definition of myself, though… like I hang my worth and well-being on who he is in the military or what he does (like SOME women do. blah). I think it’s that I just want to go to just ONE Family Readiness Group meeting as a military spouse. Just one. Just so I can finally be seen as legitimate in their eyes. Right now I don’t get invited to FRG meetings because I’m "just a girlfriend" and that’s all I have ever been to those women. Even though Amir and I have been together for almost 4 years now. But, as I said, a lot of them haven’t been through one deployment with their husbands, much less, two! So… yeah…

It was just a horribly lonely time for me. The uncertainty of whether or not I would get to talk to him again… missing his touch and hugs. And on top of that, not really having anyone military to relate to or lean on because I wasn’t part of their little group. I can almost cry just thinking about how sad it was. It was just awful.

And that’s all I have for you today. . . .

CarriedMeAway

March 2, 2011

Even as a spouse most wives shun other wives. Out of Chuck’s four times overseas, only during one of those times did anyone accept me. I know it’s easy for me to take FRG meetings and the such for granted cause I can go to ‘en but is all catty drama at most of them, sadly.

Well it totally sucks because he did not used to be this way. We used to have sex three tmes a week. And that was enough for me. And he said he could do it everyday if he wasn’t tired… The games he’s been playing, telling me it was because of the bay we don’t have as much sex, shutting off when we fight, using that as an excuse not to do it. It’s because he already masturbated that day…

not all that other ****. Always looking for an excuse not to do it instead of looking for opportunities. Me trying to make opportunities. And I don’t pressure him. That doesn’t work at all. Nothing works. Well, I mean, you don’t know what alls been going on but telling me to try playing hard to get, I realise you are just trying to help but I tried that too.

All these fake women online available all times of the day… I’d almost rather he be cheating because then it’d be just one woman and I could go mess her up. But so many women, so many looks, willing to do anything for nothing in return. How the hell am I supposed to deal with that. He can go be with those women who don’t love him and can’t ever completely satisfy him… ARGH. I’M SO PISSED

Wow, you’re like really pretty too, like, REALLY pretty. So I’m really confused as to why a guy would do that to smeone like you, the not having sex thing o.o;