His PTSD… =/

 He says that he doesn’t have a problem anymore. I know he does. His mood swings are almost unbearable, so much so that I don’t know if I can take it anymore. Three times today I had to avoid fighting with him. I had to say, "Okay, I know you’re upset right now and you’re being really rude to me, but I am just trying to help you and be nice to you. Do you think you could try being nice to me, too?" He apologized to me several times, acknowledging that he was in a bad mood, saying that he was sorry for taking it out on me. And as the day progressed I thought, "Okay, so if you realize you’re doing it and taking your anger out on me, why don’t you stop??"

It’s like I am a practicing psychologist, a freakin’ expert in his moods and how to defuse situations like that. But sometimes I lose it. Sometimes I just can’t take it anymore. 

Today I felt as though I were walking on eggshells trying not to say anything or do anything that might upset his fragile mood. I just wanted to leave. He had a complaint for everything I did. He fussed at me for leaving a light on (in the room in which I was sitting–guess he wants me to sit in the dark?). He just complained… nonstop… about damn near everything. 

Then he would be fine for a few minutes. I would try to cuddle with him but he didn’t want to. We watched an episode of South Park that was REALLY sad for a frikkin comedy show and I looked over at him… he had this distant look in his eyes like he was sad or something. I said "Are you sure you want to watch this?" He quickly removed my foot off of his leg (pushed it off), immediately turned off the TV and as he was making his way to the bedroom he ubruptly said "Good night" and slammed the door to the bedroom. 

I started crying. I mean… I’m sorry but that was my breaking point. I yelled at him "Why are you so mean to me? What did I do to you? I am just trying to help you! I’m so sick of this!" and I followed him into the bedroom and turned on the light and proceeded to question him as to why he was acting like a dick the entire day. I don’t really know how to deal with it anymore. 

I want him to get some help. I want him to do something about his mood swings. I just don’t know anymore. It’s so difficult…. am I really going to spend the rest of my life being treated this way? I know he can’t help his PTSD, but FUCK it’s so annoying. Yes, woe, is me, right? I must sound pretty selfish. I can’t really help that, either. I can only see this thing from MY point of view… I cannot relate to him or even understand his moods because he won’t share with me. He won’t talk to me about things. I’m just doing the best I can trying to keep MY sanity intact. 

I do love him, though, and I want him to get better. When he’s not in those moods he’s really spectacular. He’s loving and gentle and kind. You know the saying "When it’s good, it’s very good, but when it’s bad, it’s very bad." Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. 

And that’s all I have for you today.