Come on Get Higher!
I can remember the days when I felt as deeply as any human being could in a relationship. The freedom of being who and what I am and just letting my energy flow. I miss those days of getting higher and higher on life and being just who I am, me!
A few months ago I tried to go to counseling to get over this thing I call PTSD when it comes to relations. I only went to a few session but quit because it was just too much for me to even think of beginning to get out there and even date anyone. Going on a date brings sheer panic inside of me. Logically I know it is just my own mind playing games on me and I created this belief system that I have, emotionally it is a whole different story.
I made the choice to go back to counseling a few weeks ago. I decided this time I am going in to counseling not looking to start dating again, but to find inside of myself the passion that I once had.
As I was talking to the counselor I realized what it was about D and why after all of these years he is the one person who is so deep inside of me. When I think back on any relationship in my life and what is the closet to what I want in a relationship, it is D. If it were just he and I in a room everything was perfect. He was my drug. The rush that I would feel in our most intimate moments was a drug like no other. He could always take me higher and higher and I could never remember a more rushing feeling than him.
Sharing my most private thoughts was ok and sex was one of the biggest turn ons in our relationship! But as far as outside of that, total opposites! Then I started to think about why is it when just he and I are in a room together it was perfect. I remembered it wasn’t D at all. It was me! I let myself be me! I had nothing to hide and I could be fully myself. I was open to anything that could come my way and I could fully express who I was without holding back. Maybe it is the artist in me that drives me to want to feel so deeply. I am not quite sure. But I loved the feeling of being alive!
I think that was the first time in years I realized why I was always drawn to him, even though we are two completely different people. I remembered it wasn’t him that was making me happy, it was me being able to be me that was making me happy. I have really been spending the last few days thinking about all of this. Just giving myself permission to be who I am and making myself happy regardless of anything else is something I truly miss. To me this was a powerful statement that I was making inside of myself. It was like a light bulb went on and I really started to see the entire picture of my existence back then.
I still am not ready to date and get myself out there. Just to realize this made me feel like maybe I will begin to make progress on this whole relationship thing. Just figuring out why I dated some of the people I dated and realizing why I did what I did is 1/2 the battle to me.
I am looking forward to the moment in my life when I do feel comfortable enough with someone to be just me! Nothing to hide! This is who I am! That is one of the best feelings in the world and now I remember that choice really had nothing to do with anyone else, it has to do with me. I chose to show who I really am. I still believe that some day I will meet the right person, but until then I can only dream of the moment that I can once again be free in my own skin and give myself permission to say Come On Get Higher!
I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in
If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what’s next
I’d make you believe
I’d make you forget
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
I miss the sound of your voice
Loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said
If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what’s next
I’d make you believe
I’d make you forget
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
I miss the pull of your heart
I taste the sparks on your tongue
I see angels and devils
And God, when you come on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Sing sha la la la
Sing sha la la la la
Ooo Ooo Ooo…
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me, drown me in love
It’s all wrong, it’s all wrong
It’s all wrong, it’s so right
So come on, get higher
So come on and get higher
‘Cause everything works, love
Everything works in your arms.