rhythmic screams.
Rhythmic screams circle ’round in my head,
And I wish their cries would make less sense,
But though shrill in tone, their intentions are clear.
They wish to warn me of the passing of the year.
Time is slipping, too fast for me to hold.
Yet there are so many things I have left unsaid.
To so many people who have meant so much, hence
I must reach out to all those I have known,
If only to tell them how much I have grown.
Without their support, I may as well be dead.
Their influence on me has been thus immense.
Fail I to commit them to my memories and dreams,
They will all forever remain as rhythmic screams.
poet. where are you going for college? I’m back from Alaska, and have been since saturday. though all i brought home were expensive earrings, some lonely memories of a ship far too nice for me, and one hell of a headcold. give me your e-mail addess. that’s an order. -Kaitlin.
Warning Comment
I like lines 3 and 4 the most, they remind me a little of Shakespeare’s warning of the ides of March, in Julius Caeser. I also like this maturity apparent in the writer, how he is able to reflect and realise that he’s grown. Interesting rhyming scheme too, subtle but I think it works after a few times reading it through. Thankyou for your notes.
Warning Comment
You have a lot of talent. That bit in line 2 about wishing they’d make LESS sense is both unexpected and painfully honest, a real zinger – and the rest of it is right on target as well. If I may say so, though, one thing you need to watch is the tendency to pad lines out with short words that really don’t contribute anything to the meaning, yet mess up the rhythm.
Warning Comment
I think the ‘rhythmic screams’ thing had something to do with machinery I had been overhearing while at a summer job.
Not a terrible poem, but I think there’s better work ahead.
Warning Comment