So.

I find myself thinking about things in a more organized fashion lately. That word looks wrong. I hate my dad’s keyboard. Anyway. In the past, I thought about things in a lump and just got frustrated. Like… I NEED A LCENSE AND A CAR AND A PLACE AND A JOB RIGHT NOW. Now my thinking has changed to I need my license, then I can drive the sweet ass van, then I can get a job in my field, then I can save up and get my own car [or buy the van from my parents,] and get a place. It’s much less stressful that way.

My mom keeps telling me that I should stay here for a few years and pay off my loans more and save up lots of moneys then leave, but honestly I don;t think I can. I love my family, I really do, but I can’t tak the environment anymore. It goes from "you’re 20, do what you want just let us know what’s going on." to "YOU TREAT THIS HOUSE LIKE A HOTEL AND YOU’RE NEVER HOME AND YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING." Honestly, I think that when I leave my house will be in chaos for a little while. I do 90% of the laundry. If I do dishes on Tuesday and leave a pot soaking in the sink, I’ll do them again on like Saturday and I’ll know no one else has touched them because a- the dishes have spilled out of the sink and are on the counter and b-that same pot will still be in the bottom of the sink where I left it. I’m the only person that EVER cleans either of the bathrooms. I went on a bathroom cleaning strike for 9 months and no one lifted a finger to do anything. Now that my grandmother is in the home since her accident there’s FIVE people in my house. That makes four other people that don’t do anything. Awesome.

My license test is next week. I’ve been taking lessons and the guy says I’m getting much much better. I went on the highway a few times and almost crapped my pants, haha. I feel so far behind everyone because I don’t drive sometimes.

To be perfectly honest, I feel like I stopped maturing at 16 sometimes. I feel like when everything happened wiht my dad I just… froze. I’m still a kid in my head sometimes. Then sometimes I look at the people around me and I feel like I’m a million times more mature than they are. I don’t know what to think sometimes.

I’m running out of money. I need to find a job like NOW. I have barely enough to pay my bills next month. Plasma only gets me so much and right now both of my arms are bruised so I have to wait a while before I can go back again. I have to get my annual GYN appointment next month and I can’t pay for it. If I can’t pay for it I can’t get my birth control and my body will rebel against me, haha. Every once in a while I’ll skip a month or whatever reason and when my period comes DAMN do I remember why I went on in the first place.

I haven’t hung out with Ernie since Saturday morning. I saw him at the plasma place on Wednsday and we’ve talked on the phone every day, though. I don’t really know what to think about it. I’m just going to take it day by day and see what happens. He’s fucking fantastic in bed, so if it’s just a physical relationship I don’t care. I’m not really looking to get with anyone seriously right now anyway.

I don’t know. I’m feeling very unstable lately.