11/09/2012

 Last night Jamie and I had a really long talk about a lot of things. She keeps so much bottled up to herself. It worries me. I know that not everyone is an oversharer like me, but I feel like it should be easier for her to talk to her wife? I know I can’t expect someone to change a lifetime habit in no time, but it’s frustrating when I know something is wrong and she says she’s fine. It’s often silly things like work or whatever, but after months of keeping everything to herself, something little happens and she goes off the deep end. Like last week when her car wouldn’t start and she cried for an hour. I feel like no matter how many times I ask her to share with me, she wont. She has made an appointment to talk to a therapist. Thank goodness. She’s been through so much in the past few years that frankly, I’m not even sure how she’s still standing. I made a joke and asked if the therapist says she should talk to me, will she? And she looked at me like I have two heads and said of course she would. I swear that woman is going to drive me bonkers one day! I just love her to bits and I want her to be okay. I miss my happy girl. She told me she stresses a lot about my health. pssssssh haha. No, it was actually really cute. Not something she should be going crazy about, but still cute. She just lets herself get worked into a tizzy about the strangest things. I didn’t have insurance for a while when my mom quit her job and moved so I haven’t been able to be on my meds. I’ll be getting insurance through Panera soon, but that means that I’ve gained some weight again and I’m all weirdly itchy once again. She said she worries a lot about me getting diabetes because women with PCOS are prone to gain weight an become insulin resistant and then get the ‘beetus, but I’ll be back on my meds again as soon as my insurance card comes and I can get to Dr. Amy. She wants me to lose weight. She kept telling me that she thinks I’m beautiful and it’s not that, she just worries about my health. Which I can understand. I AM overweight. I almost always have been. I hope she can understand that I will try as hard as I can for myself, but I will not push myself and get crazy like I did that one time right after high school. I can not let myself do that. I would love to lose some weight, but what I was doing to myself was unhealthy. I also wish she would stop trying to feed me shit like "if you have a positive attitude it will happen!" Okay, inspirational quote robot that has replaced my wife, whatever you say. I refuse to get my hopes up and think I’ll be tiny. I never will be. It’s just not possible. I’m not saying I’ll never lose weight, but I’ll never be an itty bitty girl. I’d just be happy to lose my belly haha. That’s all I want out of life! 

I guess that’s it. I’m going to go watch some porn and pass out.