Ohh the good ole days weren’t always good….
My Family!
So tonight has been my walk down memory lane. Its been an interesting journey, and I’ve enjoyed it for the most part….but I’m left feeling so unsettled tonight. I don’t even know how to explain it, but I was in such a great mood, chatty, clear headed. Thats a GREAT night in Kristin land lol But I’m also feeling sooo lonely and needy too. I NEED to talk… to conncect with another human being. I need one of those great flowing conversations…give and take….I talk and share thoughts and ideas..you talk and share thoughts of ideas. Coupled with laughter, and deep meaningful moments. I LIVE for those sorts of things. I need it…
I want that so much with my girl, but she doesn’t seem interested in that sort of thing. She really doesn’t seem so interested in my life at all, unless its concerning me changing something about my appearance. lol That kinda bothers me a little…I dunno. I always wanted that amazing give and take relationship, that when it winds down at the end of the day…you talked to one another…asked about each others day…share stories, and emotions, learned more about one another. I dunno…thats just what I’m craving right now ft unfulfilled. She’s tired…she’s busy…she’s stressed. She’s thinking about anything and everything else except me…and I feel more like a burden at the end of the evening. She wants to go to bed…I’m left….wanting. I don’t even know how to explain it. I just wish we had that time at the end of the day that was just ours. You know? Something to look forward to…something to recharge our batteries, and just reaffirm our love. That sounds soooo hokey…. I know it does. Its just the mood I’m in tonight. I’m in a super deep thinking mode. I almost want to start contemplating the meaning of life. lol Its ridiculous.
I have this obsessive need to connect with my girl. There is so much I want to know about her, and so much I want her to know about me, and yet…I’m having soo much trouble doing that with her. I’ve asked, begged, and pleaded for her to ask me questions…anything and everything she could ever want to know about me…be it any topic so innocuoous, or even sexually…it doesn’t matter….I just want her to DESIRE knowing me….and she doesn’t…..and I’m sad. I want to know her…but she’s so closed. She won’t tell me things, even when I ask…and she doesn’t desire knowing anything about me. I’m willing to be patient concerning her….all good things come in time. She is a private person, and I can and will respect that….but I cannot understand how someone who loves me doesn’t desire to know me!!! Because she really doesn’t…except what I constantly give out in random stupid surveys….i mean thats just surface shit. I want my girlfriend to know the real me that stays hidden. But she doesn’t slow down long enough to have a serious conversation!!! The only halfway real conversations we have is when we’re arguing…and I DO NOT want us to turn into my PAST relationships…where they become so unfeeling, i have to intentionally piss them off just to get some damn emotion outta them. LOL I am NOT doing that with this one. She is special. She is such an amazing woman. I have so much I need to write about her….to immortalize how I see her now, so that I can look back upon this in the future, and see how much our relationship has grown!!!! Because I see a future with this one….
If we can get over our current communication problems…and I am sooooo certain we can with time…and patience….I am POSITIVE that this is the woman I want to spend forever with. I can see forever with her. I had a dream the other night…it was us…and our family. Its Judie I see in my dreams. Its never that faceless woman anymore. Its Judie, and we have this amazing wonderful relationship!!!
I cannot even express the emotions I feel when we’re together. She makes me feel so many contradctions…hot and cold…warm and fuzzy, and BOILING sexy…..cuddly and horny….lol She is so wonderful, and she is amazing on the inside too. She has a beautiful heart, she is strong, and sassy, she is beautiful….oh soooo beautiful….an amazing mother….a wonderful and loyal friend. She loves people who don’t even deserve it. I hope I remain worthy of her love, because I am soooo desperately afraid of losing it. I’ve lost so many people who are sooo important to me. My relationships always seem to end in infidelity. I’ve NEVER been enough for anybody….this is such a difficult hurdle to get over, because I don’t want to come into this new and special relationship with ANY negative thoughts…I don’t want to be horrible and unyielding because I’m afraid….I want to give her her wings, and let her fly, secure in the knowledge that its ME she loves, and that she would never do anything to jeapardize that. She told me last week, that I make it EASY for someone to cheat. I don’t call her enough….I don’t make her feel special. That cut me to the core. I thought by giving her the freedom to live her life…by not putting extra demands on her…that I was doing the right thing. Instead, I hurt her. I have since made a point to call her all the time…and in the millions of phone calls I have made….lol She’s answered like…TWO lol But I needed to get over that fear anyway…..I got so used to being the other woman….that I got ingrained…don’t call me….I’ll call you….and I was content to always be called! That way I knew I was never interrupting. She has issues going on with her ex, that are SO SIMILAR to situations that I have already been though.
Judie doesn’t want her ex to know that we’re together. Its a sticky situation, that while I’m accepting of it, it hurts me deeply sometimes. I’m trying to be understanding….I’m trying to be accepting of it….but truth be told….I DON’T understand it. I’m trying….I mull it over in my head every single day. But I just cannot wrap my head around it. If you are OVER a relationship….if you do NOT want to go back to that relationsip…and ESPECIALLY if you have gone on to form a NEW relationship…then WHY are you holding on so tightly to that old one? WHY don’t you want her to know about us? Are you not proud of me? Do I embarass you? WHY do you tell her you love her everytime you talk to her…but when you hang up the phone with me….you don’t…..sometimes…but usually only if i say it first? You didn’t tell me you loved me tonight….tonight on a night when I NEEDED you so desperately…and told you so….you instead just wanted to sleep…and didnt tell me you loved me. Thoughts like that go though my mind sometimes….late at night when I cant sleep…I trust her….but I want her to talk to me and MAKE me understand why you can’t let her go. Why you WON’T let her go. I cannot set foot in your house or your TOWN because of her….but I’m your girlfriend….why don’t I come first? Why do her feelings matter more than mine?? Random thoughts…things I don’t yet understand…but want to so de
sperately. I try sooo hard not to let Leann hurt me….because she is a part of Judie’s life that apparently will never go away…..but she does hurt me. Daily. Thank goodness Judie is so honest and upfront with me…because reality hurts so much less than what my imagination could come up with…..Judie is amazing in that regard….but I soooo wish she would let me become part of her real life. I feel like a mistress sometimes, and thats an ugly hideous feeling. lol Its hard starting out a brand new relationship on the outside. I love this woman though….someday I will convince her that I’m worth it…that she can trust me. It just makes me feel inadequate, that she allows her EX girlfriend to dictate OUR life and OUR future. I cannot build a life with her, when she’s split in two. We cannot move forward together, until she lets go of Leann…and stops letting Leann control her. I’m just impatient….I want what I want…when I want it. And I want to start building forever right now!! I LOVE THIS WOMAN!! I don’t want to be lonely and needy for her, like I am tonight…forever. We should be able to fall asleep in one anothers arms. When she is working crazy like this….I should be able to hold down the home front for her…so she has less to worry about. And i can be content in the knowledge that even when i don’t have her all day or all night….at least i will be able to hold her in my sleep, and know everything is going to be okay. Because it is…when we’re together…and touching….ALL is right in the world.
Anyway…i have gone on and on and on with this….and didn’t even get around to talking about what i meant to…my needyness and why i needed my girlfriend so badly tonight…but that’ll come tomorrow…or another night…whenever i get around to writing again. Its late, and i need my beauty sleep. 5:30am cmes early, and i have a verrrry busy day ahead of me. I’m gonna go play with friends tomorrow night i believe. I need OUT of this house. lol
Night and sweet dreams in bloggy bloggy land…
Kristin
