I’m Baaaack! part 2

My Family!

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 (but living separate for 5 years) and had 3 boys already. We became fast friends, but she quickly grew to want more. I didn’t want more. I kept resisting, and she kept trying to suck me in…lol I liked her, but more of a sisterly like….there wasn’t much actual attraction. And her life wasn’;t something I could deal with easily either. The kids, no problem.. But in her house also lived her mother, her aunt, her aunts boyfriend, this guy tom, who seriously thinks he is her boyfriend, and some random guy named Shannon, who totally had the hots for me…and made no secret of it..so I liked her family, but she was 5 months pregnant, and already on bedrest because of complications, and nobody in that house would do anything..cleaning, lawn care, etc etc etc. Everything fell on her shoulders, and that bothered me so much!! She finally wore me down on july 3rd, and I agreed to see about persuing a relationship. I was still not all in, and very unsure. We never did more than kiss, but I took care of her….but eventually, I just felt wrong, and I broke it off with her. I didn’t give it long at all…maybe a month if that. A relationship shouldn’t feel wrong, I was NOT in love with her, and didn’t even feel a sexual attraction…so it was only fair that I tell her. I wasn’t ever going to be happy, and so I told her we could only be friends. Nothing more. She didn’t take it well, but once I made it clear that we would always be friends, and I wasn’t going to leave her in that aspect…it got better. She stopped trying to change my mind, and we’ve been good. She is about to have the baby anytime, and I am so excited for her. This is proof that I want more than JUST a family….lol Cuz with her, I would have had everything I always dreamed of. Three amazing boys, a brand new baby, a woman to take care of….but it just wasn’t the right woman…and that’s sad.  I fall in love so easily…but I’m picky too…I need the real deal.

 

So that is my relationship status over the past year and a half….I haven’t met anyone new that makes my blood boil and my heart sing…Katie was the only person since Judie that got past my walls. I need so much out of life that I don’t have right now. I need kisses, and cuddles, and just companionship. At this stage of my life, I would sell my soul for some damn companionship. I am almost regretting my move to Cedar Lake. Its so far off the beaten path that none of my friends come and visit me. I’m…to put it quite blunt….LONELY. Gutwrenchingly, heart stoppingly, LONELY. I don’t need love, and commitment, or grand ventures. I just need a friend. Something to look forward to…I had all that…I really don’t know what happened. I did a lot of purging this past year…but everyone else has disappeared. Its weird. The people who were ALWAYs there have moved away…Christy is in Tennessee, Jaime is way out in Michigan City…..Judie is in Rennse….but is on lockdown anyway, so that’s no loss. Jason is in New Mexico, Alex is in Los Angeles….Paul has a boyfriend…(and is too busy for anyone else) and that’s the inner circle. Sara has been really sick lately, and I am hella worried about her. I want to make new friends, but my shyness makes that hard. OH but I HAVE made amazing new friends this year. These people have kept me sane over this past year like none other. Best part about that is, that they are 100% different from everybody else I know, and I couldn’t love them more If I tried.

 

Krys, I met on craigslist in the midst of my personal hell time after Judie cheated on me…but I’ve grown to know her more and more over the past year, and have come to value her as a true and amazing friend. Then there is Cher, who is quite possibly one of the most amazing women I have ever had the fortune to know. Her daughters Liza and Ashley are two of the most intelligent and quirky people. Liza especially is becoming a close personal friend and confidant. I don’t know what I woul

d do without her most days. She has a writing talent that completely blows me away, and her outlook on life, makes me so sad sometimes, but then there are her rare bursts of sunshine, and I see why I was called to be friends with her. Then Greg and Kathi, whom I have become very close with in October. I miss them. Greg’s sense of humor and Kathi’s dry wit got me through so much during a rough month medically. Greg has a heart of gold, and personally saved me so many times! 😛 I love discussions with Kathi…we have so much in common, that I look forward so much to every bit of communication. Melissa and Pat…two more awesome people. Melissa is such a sweetheart, but has so many insecurities, that she ends up pushing people away before they can even get close. I really like her, despite her self-sabotaging issues. I want to help her find herself, and be there for her…but I don’t know how to get through to her. I have mulled it over a thousand times, and haven’t figured out what to do or say that won’t be taken wrong. My instinct is to pull away, but I am afraid that’s what everyone does, and like me…she doesn’t deserve to be alone in life either. She is lucky, she has an amazing man in Mario…he will always be there for her. I hope I figure out how to help her before its too late….and Pat….omg that woman makes me laugh so hard my sides ache…she is 70 years old, and acts worse than a 7 year old. LOL She is ALWAYS prepared, she should have been a boyscout…lol If I could have had a grandmother, I would have wanted her to be just like Pat….she is an outcast like me, I really identify with her a lot. She is amazing..

 

There are others…Emil for example….this paranormal sciences group has given me so much to think about…and so much to strive for. I’m so greatful for it. I NEED things to belong to….purposes….i hate being aimless….i can’t do it!!!

I also joined a bunco club this year. I joined with a bunch of old highschool friends. Dawn, Jessalyn, Jenny, and Sara…then I met some great ladies too…Candi and Kristin, both whom also live in Cedar Lake…and Andrea and Michelle….new friends! But not close friends. I need close friends.

 

And then there is Chad….chad who has been my friend sincehighschool…who iscrazier than crazy, and we fight so much….his bipolar opinionated self….lol But I love him, and spend so much time trying to just be there for him…even when he says or does something that makes me SO ANGRY…he teaches me so much about myself….and I am greatful for that. He has a heart of gold….but omg could I just shove something…anyway…love chad! LOL

And I forgot where I was going with this entry…hah welcome back…I need to stay typing when I am collected, instead of drifting off in the middle…

 

Adieu for now!