I’m Baaaack!

My Family!

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Hello out there in bloggy bloggy land,

 

I know its been forever and a day since I’ve written. That is to my own detriment. I haven’t stopped writing altogether….just stopped blogging. I started a strange new method of blogging. Tell me how strange this is…I write a letter as though I am writing it to a penpal, and mail it to a random address. I don’t include a return address, so they can’t write back…but I pour my heart out, then give myself advice, and just the writing of it helps me work through things….then I mail it, because I know the whole world cares so much about my issues! Hah!

I’ve been going through such a rough time lately, and sometimes it takes ever fibre of positivity in me to just keep going from one day to the next. I play it off like I am so strong, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I DO possess a strong character, and I AM always okay in the end, but I need people a lot more than I act like I do. I sometimes act like I need nobody but myself, but it’s a LIE. A huge huge lie, both to myself and the world. Granted, I have learned that in the end, you can only count on yourself to pull you thru….but I need people to be happy. I need to be there for people, I need my life interwoven with others. I need to see people, and talk with people, write people. Even texting people. My life is so oppositite of where I assumed I would be. I live alone, isolated. I go DAYS without receiving so much as a text. And people are so used to me having constant facebook access, that nobody even calls to check in anymore. They just assume I read it on facebook. LOL And I am using the most horrible phone EVER. It’s a windows based phone, and it requires a stylus, and I just can’t figure it out. I feel stupid because its just a phone. But I gave up. It can’t even get my contacts back…so I am just going to switch back to my last temp phone.

 

But I didn’t come here to bitch and whine, though of course I had to start my entry out like that. I came to update as to who and where I am right now.

 

It’s the end of the year, and its had its ups and downs. I will just update you from last summer, since that’s the first thing I remember. That was the summer I had my crazy stupid friends with benefits fling with Kat. I regret that so much. Kat was in the army, recently home on medical leave….she lost her baby a few weeks into our friendship. We went to highschool together at Seton, but we weren’t what you could call friends back then…but over the course of the year she was here we had our sexual fling, then I decided that wasn’t happening anymore, and we tried to make a real friendship out of it. We succeeded for awhile, til she was stationed in Texas. We had a huge falling out, and she turned into queen bitch. I stuck to my guns though, and completely removed her from my life. For that, I am proud. I got rid of a lot of excess baggage in my life this year. I tried to get back into the dating scene, and made my FIRST online personal ad. Normally, I would never try to meet people online, but I wanted a DIFFERENT way of meeting people. I don’t want to meet my future wife at a bar…hahaha I am tired of meeting women at the gay picnic every year. Its been going on for 4 years now, and 3 gfs I met there~ INSANITY! So anyway, I got an account on plenty of fish, and went on a couple of dates. One date with Cole….NOT my type…reminded me too much of Sydney….but she had an artists soul that was very attractive…..i never saw her again after our date though…..just wasn’t feeling her…..then I met a girl Melissa….she was CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY bitch. OMG I don’t know how I got out of that one alive. On paper, she appeared perfect. She was very into me.  She didn’t work, but was taking care of her elderly grandmother. Sounds great, I can totally respect that. We texted, talked on the phone, and then she wanted to meet. I was going to my friend’s house for a little get together. Nothing fancy, just hanging out, d

rinking some wine, whatever…so they convinced me to invite her over. They are my protectors. They really put my girls through the ringer for me,  since they claim I don’t do it myself….lol Anyway, Melissa comes over, and is on me like nothing else. They walk out of the room for a second, and she is on my lap, her tongue down my throat, her hand in my pants….WHAT?? Ummm…coming on a bit strong aren’t we?? Okay, so it was a good kiss, but NO!! I am just NOT that kind of girl. I told her this, in no uncertain terms. Then they separated us, tami took me into the bedroom, and Brit took Melissa on the porch, and I guess probed her for lord knows what….lol Tami took me in the bedroom, and painted my toesies red for me. She is such a good friend. Hahahaha I dunno, but brit discovered that Melissa had a child she hadn’t told me about, and that she was pretty into drugs. Okay, just NOT my kind of girl. I can’t do a druggie. I won’t do that to myself. I can handle a lot of baggage, but that’s not something I am willing to take on. So whatever, I was already not interested.We hung for awhile, then I walked her out, and she again, shoved her tongue down my throat, and put my hand in her pants….umm omg, woman desperate is not attractive, and spent a lot of time trying to  convince me that I should fuck her in her car….i left that night not wanting to ever speak to her again…and I didn’t for awhile. Then I was at encompass a few nights later, and saw her with her tongue down someone elses throat. THANK GOD I dodged a bullet there. We talked whenever I would see her at emcompass, and she came to my birthday party…and even texted a few times after that…but I made it clear that there would NEVER be anything more than a casual friendship. Lol Quite frankly, I just don’t think so!!!

Then I met this girl Jen on POF, and omg I LOVED Jen. She made me laugh so hard, and we would talk on the phone all hours of the day and night. I worked days, and she worked overnights, so our schedules kinda conflicted, but it almost worked better that way. She called me as soon as I left work, when she was on her way to work. (She worked at Ford) and we would talk, and she would entertain me….and she called me every break she had…and we would talk, and then when she got off work, I was on my way to work, and we would talk more. Lol It was great…she amused me so. She always made me laugh because she was the most shallow human being I have ever met. She told me that she only dates hot girls, and all her girls look like models. Oh and she likes black chicks…hahaha and that her last girl broke her heart…and why did I remember her vaguely? Cuz she and her last girl lived upstairs from me at summerwood, and I remember them FIGHTING at all hours of the day and night. Hahahaa Her blantant honesty over who she was and what she wanted totally bowled me over. We went out on our date, (7am on a Sunday…owwwies) hahaha and more laughter. I loved this girl to death…but only as a friend. I mean, come on…I will never be a model..how can I live up to that…but for some reason, she was interested in a friends with benefits arrangement…or maybe even dating…cuz she liked me…or I could find her a hot friend. Hahahahaa I kept resisting sleeping with her, which she said has never happened. I was the first person to turn her down….well EVER! Hahaha But I did hook her up with my friend Crystal, who I also met on POF. She and I just met as friends, we were never interested in one another, but she was a sweetheart, and deserved happiness, so I hooked her and jen up, and last time I heard from them they were engaged. Crystal kinda keeps jen on a short leash, so we don’t get to talk much anymore. I almost regret that pairing, I kinda miss my friend. Lol At the very least, she kept me entertained on a daily basis. Lol I like that.

Then there was the fateful pairing….the one woman who caused me to end my two year single status. My Katie. This woman blew me away, swept me off my feet, and got past every wall and defense I ever had in place. I fell in love with her before I even met her. We got very deep, and very intense very quickly. I fell deeply deeply in love, and it was reciprocated. We started with phone dates, and we would fall asleep on the phone, and creepily listen to the other sleep. Our first conversation lasted 6 hours, and then fell asleep…and woke up together the next morning. Our first in person date, we never left the bedroom, and she stayed the night, and I completely waived my rule of never sleeping with someone on the first date, because quite honestly, it felt like I had known her my entire life. Our entire relationship consisted of holing up for days, and spending all the time we could together. The big problem, she lived on the northside of Chicago, and worked nights and weekends, and I lived in Indiana, and worked days off weekends. Our lives and schedules were completely incompatible, and eventually it took its toll. We could never merge our lives, and it was just unsatisfactory. I was discontent, but loved her too much to let it be a point of contention, but it bothered me that she never invited me into her life at all…finally, one day we were supposed to have a date, her car broke down…and she didn;’tshow…and we had a long serious discussion, ending up with a breakup. She totally broke my heart that day, since it was rather out of the blue….seriously…I totally didn’t see It coming. And all the platitudes about it isn’t me…its her etc. And how she is still very much in love with me, but its just not working cuz of the distance and our schedules…etc. I knew the real reason, and it just made me sad. I knew she was going to run early on in the relationship…she warned me she was a runner. But it was okay. I saw her for the last time at pride, which was a week or two after we broke up, and she already had a new girlfriend…and I am happy for her. She is a beautiful, amazing, and wonderful woman, and I hope she has nothing but happiness in the world. Truth be told, I would have eventually resented her. I need more than a part time girlfriend, and I am not a city girl, and she is not a country girl. We never would have been able to come to a proper compromise. I miss our friendship though, we don’t talk nearly as much as I would like. She is an even busier person than I am! LOL

 

After Katie and I broke up in June, I felt lost. After two years of nobody, I had finally felt my heart again…you know??? I was seriously worried that I had lost the ability to let go and love again. She was confirmation that it was still there…but I didn’t want to jump into relationship after relationship. It took me some time to heal from Katie. Not as long as it might have had we been together longer, but like I said, a few months with Katie felt like years. I met another girl on POF…Leann. We met right away, as friends. I liked her. She was 5 months pregnant, married, (but living separate