Date? Night…lol No but it was fun!!

My Family!

 

Tonight was a night out that I very much needed!!! If  I would have had more money, we would have also stopped at the bar for a few drinks, but we had our date night for under $10 which included dinner, a movie, and star gazing. lol I’ve been in a kind of funk lately….I just haven’t been happy. Its been coming on for a bit, but I have managed to keep it away til recently. I finally got to talk to my girl a little bit tonight, and while things aren’t solved, or fixed, or whatever, I at least got to tell her a little bit about what I’m feeling. Its not her, its just I haven’t felt the love. I don’t feel like she wants this as much as I do. I feel like nothing more than an outsider looking in….I don’t feel loved, I feel almost incidental. I don’t know, its difficult to explain. I told her how I felt, and the first thing she jumped to was "Well if your not happy, then walk away." All I could think of is….really…its that easy??? Lets just take the "easy" way out? Lets just not work through any issues or problems. Just end it…like that. GAH!!! How frustrating, because that wasn’t even a thought in my mind. I just wanted her to know how I felt, because I am seriously about open and honest communication….but sometimes I just don’t feel like I can talk to her, and its things like that, which make it even more difficult. How do you tell someone your not happy, and they are ready to end the relationship then and there, without even knowing WHY I wasn’t happy. *sigh* Its frustrating, but I at least got to tell her some of what I was feeling. That felt good…I felt a little bit better after that. I just feel bad, she is going through so much right now, and I don’t even know how to help her. I can’t help financially, I can’t physically be there for her, and we don’t even get to talk on a day to day basis. 🙁 I have no idea what to do. I don’t need to SEE her everyday, but I at least need to have a good heartfelt conversation at least once a day. I need to CONNECT. We don’t. We rarely connect. When we do talk, its usually quick, and I don’t think she pays attention to half the stuff I say cuz she always has 10 million things going on at once. But we will get there, we will make this work. I just miss having that CONNECTION with somebody. We don’t have it most days, and thats what makes this so difficult. We have alot of emotional distance between us. I feel her holding back from me, ALWAYS.I always assumed it was the part of her I couldn’t have….because its not me she belongs to…but its more than that. We’re NOT connecting.  She is ok going days and days at a time without talking….not so much as a hello how you doing….where as….I hate waking up, and not being able to say goodmorning….I hate…and let me reiterate…HATE going to bed at night, without telling her goodnight. Without having her tell me goodnight, when she goes to bed. Not hearing her tell me she loves me, or telling her that I love her .Thats how I want to start and end my days at least….instead I wake up to the harsh and cruel alarm. I get out of bed, because I have to. I get in the shower, and wash…because I have to…nothing motivates me in the morning, because I just gotta do what I gotta do. I work overtime, because there is no reason not to. The one thing that would make me smile in the morning, would be a hello, how are you, i love you. LOL But we have VERY different schedules. While I’m up before the sun…well almost….at 5-5:30am….she sleeps and sleeps and sleeps. 🙂 Lucky lady. And I am up waaaay late at night…I have no idea when she goes to bed. I truly have no earthly idea. And on the weekends….oh how I live for weeekends. I love to attempt to sleep late…tho i cannot because I have to take jaime to work at the BUTCRACK of Dawn…lmao And tomorrow night…I will be up til at LEAST 4am, for ROCKY HORROR!!!! WOO WOOO WOOO!!!

Its so sad when Rocky Horror coming back, is going to give my life meaning again…but oh how I missed it…

But anyway…back to my night. I was down, so I called Christy and said…we’re doing it…we’re going to see our movie. Then I called mom and dad, and said we’re going to see it tonight, meet us there. They were planning on seeing it anyway….so I told them I wanted to meet up with them. I went to the petstore, and managed to get Titus 80 doggy diapers, for only .50. They were on some serious clearance sale!! WOO WOOO WOO!!!! .25 a package. I will never hit a deal like that again. I only wish there had been more packages, but the rest were all size large. I got Christy, talked to her dad and his girlfriend for a bit, told them my renting woes…then we RACED to the theater in Hobart(which incidently is where we will be for rocky horror exactly 24 hours from now~~~~) its a nice $3.50 movie, and we saw SEX IN THE CITY!! Oh it was fantastic. I laughed, I cried, it was so exactly what I needed. I ate popcorn that only cost me $1.25, and mom and dad cracked me up. Mom filled her purse with cans of pop…and even put one of those cold ice packs in there to keep it cold. I laughed so hard. Dad grabbed a can, and pretended to sneeze while he opened it. Mom tried to do that, but couldn’t get it open with the fake sneeze so everyone in the theater heard her open her can of pop. lol God my parents crack me up sometimes. It was great. Christy wanted to get a drink, but I hate driving after having even one drink. I don’t want to impair myself, even though I know I wouldn’t be drunk, I didn’t eat tonight, except the popcorn, so I don’t like even doing that. I am a very responsible drinker, and a very responsible driver. I would never do anything to impair myself.

So after that, we went driving and talking, and it was so much like the old days. We tried to get ahold of Sara, but the stupid chick refuses to answer her phone for us. It gets soooo freaking frustrating. We jsut wanted to have her along….we miss the old days where we were inseperable. We used to talk about anything and everything, and drive aimlessly, and sing and laugh and make fun of each other, and god we had soooo muchf un. Christy and I still do….but its just not the same anymore. Nothing is the same….Sara is just so freaking stuck in herself, that she has lost all her frined.s Its just her and her internet. Thats it. Her own daughter suffers. 🙁 Because she cares about nobody but herself. That sort of selfishness just doesn’t sit right with me. Your kids come first. End of story. You work your ass off to make life good for them. Its what you do. You don’t sit there, unemployed, and not giving a damn, because having a job interferes with your damn online time. Its ridiculous. Some people legitamately cannot find work, but thats not the case with Sara. She doesn’t WANT to find work. She doesn’t care, and that makes me sad. When you stop caring, thats when its just too late.

So we drove, and ended up stopping at McDonalds in the seasons for some late night grub. 🙂 We got our $2.00 drive through dinner, and went driving some more. 🙂 The stars were so gorgeous out, we had to pull over, and appreciate them properly, so I pulled into the parking lot of Boone Grove Highschool, and proceeded to

"go parking" with Christy. God we laughed so hard, we were listening to love notes on the radio, singing sappy love songs, and talking about life, love, and old times. We got soooo sappy. lol Its sick. but we had a blast. And we opened the sunroof and stargazed. The stars were seriously beautiful. I saw a shooting star, and for the first time in years, I made a wish. I wished that my girlfriend would again find happiness and contentment in her life. That everything would stop working against her, and that everything would once again come together for her. That was my wish, and its my only hope and dream right now. I want her life to get easier for her. I want things to not be so bad. I want her to be happy…content…and truly have the ability to LIVE her life. I don’t want her to miss out on the little things…the wonderful things….because she is so focused on the negativity. Life is going to pass her by, and she deserves so much more than that. So much better. I want her happiness, first, foremost, above all else. Because I love her, and because she deserves  it.

After we left boone grove, cuz I had to PEE,. I took her home, then took the scenic route home, because I needed to think while my head was clear. Yes, I have been unhappy, but at least I know for sure why now. And it WILL get better.

My dog is snoring now, so I am gonna go snuggle wif him. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I have to go to a birthday party for my Uncle’s GF who I hardly know, and  have jello shots, then pick up the girls, and its ROCKY HORROR TIME!!!

Then on Sunday, my friend Fester(guy from Rocky) is coming over to go swimming. Whee!! I cannot wait to swim!!!

Love to all!!

Kristin