8/15/08

My Family!

 
I have been seriously neglecting my diary, but truth of the matter is, I don’t have TIME to write. I don’t have TIME to breathe. I am completely in a people overload, and have no idea what to do. I don’t ever have a moment to myself. I want to not be out doing things, I want to not have people taking over my every last second of free time. I just want to go home, relax in my undies, and watch tv, read a book, I’m tired of always having to be "ON"
 
I’m tired of having to live for other people. I’m tired of being the only person keeping people up and happy. I’m tired of always having to be "happy" for others. I’m even tired of being everyones support system. Stop making me have to fix you. Stop expecting me to fix you. I didn’t break you, I’m broken too, I would like to fix me! Why isnt my life allowed to be about me anymore? Why am I incapable of doing the selfish thing, and telling everybody to bugger off, so I can work on MY life.
 
I have one week left to pack, and get ready to move. ONE WEEK…(maybe 2, but prolly only one) I want to try and ENJOY my time I have left, because leaving is hard, and I really really really don’t want to. I’m going to miss Jaime and Chris, and I will miss my house, and my relitive privacy. Anybody who knows me, knows how much I hate change. And I’m doing this alone. When I moved into the apartment, it was an "us" thing. We were starting our lives together. Merging mine with hers, and if it got hard, we had one another. I’m going at this move ALONE .I have NOBODY to support me, nobody to lean on….its just me. At the end of the night, I will have only myself to talk to. No knowing that Jaime will be home later….for all our issues, we have always been able to count on one another. Always been able to talk to each other, and for that I have been greatful. I drove past my new house last night, and at 8pm, everyone was already in their rooms..so perhaps i will have the house relitively to myself….that would be nice kinda…
 
Its such a cute house, it truly is. But this going at it alone scares me. I have come to realize that I don’t have anybody in my life anymore, that i can call at the drop of a hat, and expect that they would drop everything and come to my aid. I don’t know what happened in my life, but they have all left. I am still close with people, but nobody thats HERE.
 
And i will finish this later….trust me…i am ready to explode so there is much more to come!!