6/19/08

My Family!

I’m trying SO hard not to let life get me down. I’m trying SO hard to just keep on moving, keep on living each day. I’m trying VERY VERY VERY hard to live each day as though there is nothing wrong, and everything is great…peachy….hunky dory.
 
I’m trying to NOT dwell on the fact that, yes I am becoming depressed. YES, something is wrong….NO I don’t know what it is, except that I’m exceptionally lonely. Thats the only thing I can pinpoint as to what could possibly be bringing me down like this.
 
But I swear to god, if ONE more person asks if I am ok, then when I say no, they just change the subject….GAH! If you don’t care, PLEASE don’t ask!!!! Its not even just one person, 5-6 people over the past few days have done this to me, and it gets old…it gets annoying. Don’t pretend to care, then ignore the issue. I have problems. I have feelings, and I am super emotional and needy right now. YES…I AM aware of this. So yes, I am pulling away…..because all I want to do right now is cling on tightly to someone…hell….anyone at this point would do…and cry and be held and listened to for an hour. But thats not how my life works….I’m fully aware of that. So I will put on the happy face, and keep on keeping on. NO, I am not a good actress. Anybody who really cares and really knows me will be able to see right through me….but those are the people who don’t care. The ones who ask if I am ok in one breath, and dismiss me in the next.
 
For the record, no I am not ok…..nor do I know why.
I only know that I am lonely. Bitterly, sadly, lonely.
 
Do I have friends, yes….do I have people coming around….YES.
But do I have anybody for me….anybody I can bare my soul to…anybody I actually feel comfortable crying in front of? Nope.
That makes me sad…it really does. I mean, I love my friends. I love them all, and yeah….a few of them I am close enough that I can be that open in front of…but I just feel…so lost right now.

I have alot on my plate with trying to find a place to live, knowing I cannot afford it….but having to do so anyway..

I am putting in my application tomorrow for a mobile home in Hobart. Its in Oak Hill, in Hobart. I have heard its not necessarily such a nice place to live, (drugs) but I’m going to do it anyway. Its only an extra $25 a month for my pets, and I can have them all. Its only $625 a month for the place, then I have to get nipsco and cable in my name. I have to pay rent plus one month rent as security deposit…

How wil I have this? I will have to store away extra money each month from my check and hope I make it….its gonna be tough, and something tells me I will have to borrow from the company, money….I don’t want to do that…but I might have to!!!

I hate borrowing money…but Hobart is not a bad location….its not quite where I want to be, but hey i think i will be able to have a washer and dryer….whee~~ That would be freaking fantasitc. The guy i rent from pays for water and sewer…so thats good then…Rent is due first of the month….and he will give me a few days grace period which is nice..
then its $5 a day after that.

Anyway…time tog o home.
Ciao bella!

Kristin