worlds away.

the first time that my father ever told me he didn’t care what i did, i was 12 years old. i remember it fairly clearly. i had been having difficulty in school with my grades and had also gotten into some trouble. he would take back his comments a few days later. i find it a little funny how many times my father has thrown up his hands in anger, and completely absolved himself of any concern or caring with regards to my life and daily activities.

it seems like me to be the sort of thing that someone should only do once, and stick to their word. i can think of, off the top of my head, at least four other times that he has disowned me as a son, only to reown me after a few days with the same exact apology every time, as if read from a letter in his mind. the result every time he goes on one of his trips, aside from raising his blood pressure several points and causing strife within the household, is a marked drop in respect for my supposed male role model. the reason that i can’t take the man seriously is because he never sticks to his guns. he makes extreme statements just because he’s angry and then doesn’t have the gall to go through with them. most of the time i feel so sorry for him that when he apologizes, i just rattle off an acceptance of the apology by rote and we move back into our state of passive dislike, as opposed to active opposition.

my father has never been particularly involved in any aspect of my life. we don’t really speak to eachother unless he thinks i’ve done something wrong and sees fit to point out my flaws. that is the only time we talk at length. it might just be that we share no interests, or just happen to have personalities that clash. i’m not sure. he isn’t a bad man at heart, and i know it. we just have nothing to say to eachother. he doesn’t know what to make of me, and i don’t know what to make of him.

i’ve never been able to take people seriously who make outrageous claims and then take them back when they realize how silly they are. call it being too severe or judgemental…but i’m a pretty firm believer of the principle that one should lie in the bed that one has made. i don’t know why. it may have something to do with how people acted towards me in high school – there were definitely more than a few wastes of sperm and egg who took it upon themselves to make me feel worthless – that i have such a harsh view towards my fellow humans. i hold grudges. i don’t sympathize easily. you have to be a very good friend of mine to get past all of that, to the point where my defenses are low enough that i’m forgiving and understanding (and i can be both those things to a great extent).

another part of my plan to try and turn my life around is to try to be a little bit less harsh on my fellow humans. to endeavour to give people a second chance. it’s not something that i expect will be easy at all, but i think that it will make me into a better person.

i will state, however, for the record, that i will never ever be one to forgive and forget. i can forgive, and i know so because i’ve forgiven friends before. i am capable of it. i am not, however, capable of forgetting wrongs done to me. anyone who says they ARE…well…they’re probably morons. when you first meet someone, they have a clean slate. there’s nothing on it. but whenever somebody wrongs you, they make a little mark on their slate. and try as hard as you may to rub it off, it stays there forever. it’s important never to forget the wrongs someone has done to you, because it helps you to measure the amount of trust for which it is safe to place in them.

forgiveness is good. forgetfulness never is.

-jav