what’s the deal with my brain?

i don’t want to be a chump

how do you confront your demons when you feel like they make you who you are. when you’re afraid that if you do, you’ll lose the "angst", or whatever you want to call it, necessary to make powerful art?

it’s a love-hate, win-lose situation.

right now, everything is black

for a good long while now, i’ve not felt like i’ve had anything to smile about.
i’ve not had a great decade. shards of genuine happiness peppered throughout, but no end to the mania is in sight.
my job is robbing me of independant thought.
my band is all over the road right now.
i’m lonely.
those are the only institutions in my existence at the moment.

this is such a pity

because when i think of the band, i think of how good we could probably be. i think of the chemistry that happens sometimes during practice when everything clicks, and beautiful sounds are made. and it gets me down because i wonder why we can’t seem to focus our energy on a singular goal. the drummer was right. we need to get ourselves onto the same page before we can move ahead.

i need to find some peace

and so i dive headlong into a world of escapism. of temporary solutions to permanent problems. i know that it’s not the way for me, and it kills me inside to do it. but until i can resolve the situations in my brain, there’s no other way.

you are fading further from me. why don’t you come home?

the problem that is haunting my mind, still, is three years old. why did i not get a goodbye? why did i have to swear never to try and make things right? and a thousand other questions that all begin with the word "why". and as time goes on, i find myself forgetting things. against all my strength and all my concentration, i can’t remember certain looks, or certain sounds and scents that used to intoxicate me so. i guess it’s the march of time, and i don’t suppose i can escape it. it’s time to close the book, but i don’t have the heart to do it myself. i need someone to help me out. and who would? more to the point, who could?

when will stupid learn? fire’s going to burn.

and no matter how many times i warn myself, i always seem to wind up repeating history. i’ve learned my lessons. i’ve learned them all. but what does it matter if i can’t keep them in my mind the second my routine is interrupted?

things aren’t looking good.
there’s nothing on the horizon that i have my hopes up for.
however, i will not give in.
not yet. i’m not done here. i’ve still got some stuff to do; i’ve still got places to see, and i’ve still got things on my list. it’s not time for me to lose hope just yet.

optimism collapsed many years ago. but i’ve still got the pieces of it, and i keep them in my pocket for times like these.

so until they day finally comes when there’s nothing left on this earth for me to take strength from, i walk the line.

-jav