new day.

a sudden desire came over me to purge myself of all the garbage and filth that has dominated my life for the last few years. to become a disappearer. to analyze my world and everything in it down to a tee, and root out all the sources of uncertainty and self-doubt that exist.

what i feel is the biggest step for me right now is to take a very hard and close look at my romantic life, or lack there of. am i alone because i am repulsive, and simply unable to attract a mate, or is it of my own subconscious volition? it could be because i’m afraid to have my heart broken, and am doing my best to convince myself to stay far away from another romantic interaction. that, however, contradicts a lot of my thoughts and actions of the last couple of months. this is not necessarily a bad thing, since nothing i’ve done in the aforementioned time period has brought me any sense of fulfillment or happiness. and if i have felt those things through my actions and pursuits, it has been incredibly fleeting. those positive sensations stay only for a moment before being taken over again by my persistent, defensive sense of self-loathing; never let yourself be too happy, because it’ll just sting more once you’re miserable again.

throughout my life, the stigma of my romantic relationships has been doubt. never really unhappiness, just a deep-seated doubt that festers in my guts. "is she the one?" i would constantly ask myself. i’ve always been preoccupied with the concept of having someone to settle down with. it interests me because it creates a conflicting desire in my mind. the desire to have someone  to invariably wake up with every morning and go to bed with every night clashes with my equally strong (though entirely unfulfilled) urge for casual sex. a question that i have found myself pondering more and more as the days tick by and i notice that i’m not getting any younger or attractive is one of whether or not there can be any sort of reconciliation between the two areas of my brain.

the only possible solution that i see to the problem right now is not to force anything. to take a completely passive attitude towards love and sex. my reasoning behind this is that so far in my 21 years on the planet, i have been able to do nothing right as far as women are concerned. actually, that’s a little dramatic. it’s more accurate to say that for everything i’ve been able to do right, i’ve managed to do two things wrong. i’m not unable to make things work, but i seem to have an almost supernatural ability to shoot myself in the foot. i’ve surmised by this point that it comes back to the same thing: doubt. if i spend every waking minute of my life second guessing myself and my choices, i will never be able to make anything work, be it with girls, or my band, or friends, or my family. if i can’t stand by my own thoughts, all of the things i value most will come crashing to the floor.

so roll out the carpet for me, dead man. it’s a new day.

-jav