just like starting over

I’m writing you again; a lot has changed.

I turned 26.

I fell into what I thought was love but may have been, in the end, just a shared and mutual distaste for solitude. We were good friends, for a time, though. We had a dog and an apartment downtown. I would come home from work and feel really, really good about the fact that even though we were exceptionally poor and just scraping by, we were doing life on our terms and we were there for each other. She "got" me, and I definitely "got" her. I thought that’s what it was supposed to be all about, but I was wrong.

Circumstance can be a mysterious fig. A mysterious bitch of a fig.

I started a band just a little after I started the doomed partnership. We recorded, and we played in our little city all the time. We practiced and got tight and had a really good time. People liked us! I had friends that were in other bands, and we played gigs together, partied all the time, and I guess generally felt really cool together. I thought that’s what it was all about, but…well….you guess.

CIRCUMSTANCE.

Good lord, it’s starting to sound like it was a depressing two years, no?

My weight dropped to around 145-150 lbs ("healthy" for a man my height is 180-190). I did some more drugs. I got to a level where I didn’t have to pay for drugs because my friends would call me 4 or 5 times a week to see if I wanted to drop some acid, or some MDMA, or do OxyContins…Valium, Clonazepam. Amphetamine, mushrooms….weed (oh god, of course, the weed). Holy smokes, y’all. Like the second my relationship dissolved I picked up my old affair with complete oblivion.

She still looks good. She says I haven’t aged a day but I know how old I’m getting.

And now I’m back.

I’m home.

I miss all these things. I miss my friends. I miss her love. I miss the feeling of being "on my way" to wherever it was I was going. I’m scared about starting over again because it took all of my effort and my focus and concentration to get to that OTHER spot, before, where things were good.

I don’t know if I can summon that strength twice in the same decade.

I’m scared and I miss everything.

EVERYONE.

Still not as much as I miss you.

You’ll be ok.
I love you.