Warlocks

I had a rapid-fire sort of day today.  I got up at about 9:30 and called Minnie at work to see when she had lunch.  She happened to answer the phone (since she’s on the front now instead of Flooring), so when I said "Hey, babe," she simply said, "11:30, if that’s what you were going to ask."  Thinking, "Whoa, psychic," I replied, "Alrighty, see ya then," hung up, and took a shower.  After dropping her off at 12:30, I went directly to the local bowling alley for Tompall’s daughter’s birthday party. (It kills me that that child is already 5 years old.  Insane.)  I hung around there and bowled a bit (got three strikes in a row! Personal best!) until the big clock above the lanes showed 5 minutes till 2, then went and told Tompall and his family that I’d see them at the park for part two of the party, the actual cake-eating, present-opening, piñata-busting part.  I had to go to a wedding.  So I drove the conveniently short mile or two over to the church my friend Scotty got married in today, and even though I was a tad late, (supposed to start at 2) I still had enough time to sit down, get relaxed, and notice the graveyard mud on the top of my boot before the actual ceremony started. 

That said, I’d like to point out all the things I hate about the modern wedding ceremony, or at least all the ones I’ve been to.  I feel that the whole production has no place in modern society.  Here are some numbered points:

1.  The fact that the groom and his chosen groomsmen (a word I just realized looks ridiculous) have to come in seperately from the bride, as if they’re much less important, and then stand there looking sort of sheepish for several minutes. 

2.  The whole "long, slow walk down the aisle" thing.  Just get down there and get married!

3. The "father giving his daughter away" thing.  I have two reasons that’s dumb.  Here, let me do the outline thing and–

          A:  These days it’s just as likely that a stepfather or other father-like figure will be the one giving the bride away, so the symbolism
                is sort of lost in translation.

          B:  The tradition likely comes from the fact that long ago, marriages would be between two rather young people, arranged by the
                parents.  The girl might be only around 12 or 14, so of course the father has to be there to consent.  And also, sometimes a 
                bride had a good chance that she would never see her family again (or at least not for a long time or often) and she was
                quite literally being "given away."  But these things are rarely the case, at least here in the States. 

4.  Is it really necessary for a preacher to ramble on so?  Okay, I can put aside the fact that if you’re a Christian, you’ll be having a Christian wedding and as such God will likely be thanked for the occasion.  But seriously, all he legally has to say is, "Do you?"  Wait for response.  "Do you?"  Wait for response.  "Then you’re married.  Have fun."  But for whatever reason, it’s deemed necessary to ramble on about rings and how the circle represents this and that, and how the gold it’s made from is not going to tarnish just as the love won’t, and so on and so forth.  Then they have to make sure everybody’s names are said a couple of times.  It’s all very dull.

5.  The music!  Every wedding I’ve been to that involved music (which I’m pretty sure was all of them) used the most nail-bitingly bothersome music they could find.  It’s always a bunch of mess about love and togetherness, and how two people are now as one, and all that garbage.  In my perfect wedding, there’d be no time for music.  The wedding I went to today (and I say this with the confidence that nobody involved will read it and thusly not get mad at me) contained a usage of this same crappy music I’d never had to endure before.  After a bit of the preacher’s rambling, the bride and groom actually had to hold hands and look into each others’ eyes for the entire duration of the song.  That would have to be the longest minute and a half of your life.  And just to make sure, the preacher rambled a bit more, did the part where they repeat the whole "Love, honor, and obey" thing to one another, and then they went and lit a damn candle with these other two candles their respective parents had lit, and followed that symbolic gesture with another full-song staredown.  Then they went back over to the altar and said the actual "I-do’s", smooched, and got it over with. 

I sort of got off on a tangent there.  That probably could have been more than one bullet point.  Suffice it to say I find the whole thing silly and uninteresting.  On the positive, my buddy, his groomsmen (his two brothers) and the bride all looked great in there wear-once finery.  So there’s that.  Plus, the whole ceremony was like 15 mintues long, tops.  It just felt longer due to all the traditional BS.

Anyway, we went downstairs for the reception, AKA the free food.  I wasn’t hungry; I just wanted to congratulate my buddy and give him a little "I told you so."  See, it was never certain that I’d be there.  I kept telling him that I would, since I wasn’t going to be stuck at work, and that I didn’t think Tompall’d mind if I went missing for a few minutes.  But after I got to shake Scotty’s hand, I decided to sit and chat with his brother John for a minute, and before I could slip away unnoticed, somebody actually brought me a slice of cake.  I thought if I didn’t actually go get food that I wouldn’t have to worry about it, but instead I was presented with cake.  And no beverage.  So of course the cake made me a bit thirsty, and in the process of trying to find a drink I noticed all the food and, well, I have no willpower. 

Minnie called while I was munching (I really didn’t get much) to tell me she was getting off early and would be waiting outside for me.  So that’s two parties today I had to leave early for one reason or another.  I got Scotty’s phone number congratulated him and shook his hand again, and was on my way.  Then it was to the park, another piece of cake shoved in my face (damn it!  I mean, awesome, but damn it!) watched a bunch of little kids trying to break a pinata with a bat, and left.  A busier day I’ve not had in a long time. 

Sorry for the great length of this entry.  Probably lost most readers back there around my numbered list.  I could probably write anything down here and nobody’d ever read it.  So here’s a test:  If you actuall

y made it this far, post me a note containing this word:  POOPAPOO!!!