Cosmic Monsters Inc.

I feel a lot better so far today.  Late last night I decided to take a shower, which is a method I often choose, and I think it helped, although the ibuprofen probably contributed.  I must have sat and soaked my head for half an hour before I was satisfied, but it did the trick, so that’s acceptable.

We get a buttload of calls from solicitors, and I think it’s all my father’s fault.  He can’t help himself– he signs up for almost everything he encounters online.  Seems like every month or so he calls me to come "read over something and see what I think," and it is invariably one of those hokey "work at home" schemes.  I can’t make him see that they are bullshit, or that they are all exactly the same.  Even this crap he has me "read over" is basically all the same damn thing.  Somebody somewhere sits and composes several pages of attractive-sounding stuff, but never approaches the subject of exactly what it is they’re trying to sucker you into.  I point this out every single time, and every single time he says, "Keep reading, you just haven’t got there yet."  Then when I finish the entire, boring, useless document and tell him I still didn’t glean anything from it, he says, "Well that’s probably because you have to send them $25 to get the package that explains everything."  I’ve seen these "packages" that "explain everything."  It’s always just a cd with a video and another several page document to read that still doesn’t tell you a damn thing.  It’s always like this–

We’ll tell you how you– yes YOU!– can make real money at home, with little to no effort.  How?  We’ll tell you!  But first, here’s a few testimonials: 
"I made $4400 last month– in my PJ’s!"
"I just bought a new house with the money I made– in the last three weeks!"
"This program is different from all those ‘other’ get-rich-quick programs– this one works!"
That’s right, it WORKS!  And we’re gonna tell you how!  But first, have a look at this video.
(cut to video of a guy in a suit using the same BS buzzwords as the shit you’ve already read, overlaid with montages of big houses, stacks of cash, new cars– you know, all the things you’ll have because the "program" WORKS)
So, now that you’ve seen exactly what this exciting new program can do for you– yes YOU!– just send in a nominal fee of $25 for the next installment!

Problem is, I’m paraphrasing.  These assholes somehow manage to stretch the exact same garbage for like 4 or 5 suicide-inducing pages.  They always say things like, "We’ll tell you how it works," but then they don’t.  Then they pretend they did, and the only ones with big houses, stacks of cash, and new cars are the ones who tricked suckers like my poor dad into buying the "next installment" of their bullshit that still doesn’t provide a single piece of useful information. 

But anyway, other than that, he also puts his name and phone number on lots of other stuff too, because every single call we get these days (and it’s a bunch) mentions that he signed up for their service online.  The most recent one, which called us a record 8 times yesterday until Mom finally called them back to tell them to leave us alone, had something to do with "gifts for babies."  There are no babies in the family that we’d be giving gifts to.  How’d this one sucker him in?  I think we need to monitor his internet use somehow.

I can’t help but watch Overhaulin’ sometimes– that show on Discovery where somebody’s beloved car gets whisked away at the behest of a family member to be made the best it can be, all while they go to great lengths to make the owner believe it was stolen, or mistakenly repoed, or collected as collateral for gambling debts, or somesuch nonsense.  I don’t really understand all that effort– why not approach them and tell them what’s going to happen?  I understand that their elation at having their baby not only returned but improved makes good television, but why torture them for a week?  They’d still be surprised at the result.  I dunno, maybe they’re worried the owner might actually refuse if they were given a choice in the matter.  Plus, it seems like every time I watch the show the female cohost is a completely different person. 

Shit, gotta go!  There’s a big ass wasp or something in here!