Wildfire

The gravitational pull. The world keeps spinning and I am thrown into its rhythm. 

I am feeling lost. 
I never realized how lonely life can be. You can be surrounded with people and still feel alone. 

Starting to realize the weight of my loneliness. 
No family to fall back on. Friends scattered, but none reliable. 
Where do we convalesce if we have nothing but ourselves? I would have to pick myself up, dust myself off and look ahead. 

A glass of wine and a good song. I’ve been searching for answers. 
I close my eyes and see possibilities. A life I didn’t choose. 

The life I did choose is in front of me. I chose this life. I woke up and chose it every day. 
Perfection is a fantasy. Anything other than "good" is a fantasy. 
I look at photos. Faked smiles and hidden troubles. No one’s life is as they present it. 
I am not who they think I am. 

Told myself I would do all the things I wanted to. Just do them alone. Do them unhindered by anxieties, or nay-saying. 
But what’s the fun in that? Who wants to hear those stories? You need a partner in adventure. A lover. A lover of love. 

A connection so strong – only ever felt behind hung tapestries, on Michigan beaches, and snowy football fields. Not since. 

Love is not an obligation. Nor is it inalienable. You earn it. 
I do not feel I have earned it. I feel a straying heart should not be rewarded. 
Happiness is not that easy. If this is the path I take, it will have to come with time. There is no magic pill. 

You will find things about me which are not endearing or cute. You will come to see blemishes, flaws, dark spots. Piling up. 

Shaking in my boots. Hairs standing on end. 

But the fantasy. It’s started to feel like a reality. Worth the heartbreak – for the heart swells that are sure to follow. 

We need time. We need touch. We are those people. Should we rise above? Should we sink? Drowning in passion. I cannot shake this thought and the sadness that surrounds it. 

"I never was much good at hoping. Until you took my heart and tore it open."