when it rains.

I feel incredibly mundane.
a lather, rinse, repeat. repeat. repeat loop of self-loathing.
it’s being here. jobless still. and doubting my entire existence.

I have so much to say today.
memories and remnants of a Father’s Day emotional hangover.
i am fine today. but there’s that permanence in death that is unrelenting.

and postsecret was incredibly poignant today.
as i’m reading secrets about people’s fathers i realize that i was right. that everyone deals in their own special way. there’s no "healthy grief" there is only grief.

my thoughts wandered back to zach. and how he’s been fading into the background lately.
the idea of him kept me alive.
I remember singing "Requiem" in Boston sophomore year of college.  Exactly 1 year after he died.
and my thoughts float away from him.
and return to the void that is a father’s love.
the ebb and flow of grief often drowns me.
it doesn’t get better.
and i keep getting older.
more friends to go and hearts underwater.

it’s been 10 years. 10 years.
worse than it’s been – grief, so it seems.
i think it’s because i’ve been idle. because i’ve sat on those thoughts, colder than before. 10 years in the making.
i think of the 60 year old man he would be.
there are sharp corners, even on the fuzzy memories.
I’m feeling lonely, though not alone.

It’s this life. obstacles, decisions and responsibilities – all to be climbed, made, and dealt with alone. I’m not sure what will happen tomorrow.
another jobless week is not an option.

the past is haunting me.
in texts. in dreams. in waking memories and sordid thoughts.
i want out.
an existence free of existing.
at least for now.
a comfortable catatonicconsciousness.