twitterpated.

 "Since you would save none of me, I bury some of you." John Donne

a john donne quote for the end of four years here. 
because salvaging relationships now is a lost cause. and there are these moments that i see flashing in my memories, nights where lips find each other and words are spoken that should not have ever been thought, let alone said. 
there were motives behind those brush strokes. behind invitations extended sophomore year.
oh the double meanings are unavoidable. 
the parallels i draw to the two major losses of college, are unavoidable. 
my thoughts wandering to you, are unavoidable. 
regrets. yet i’ve lived a life where i can say i’ve made no mistakes. every choice i’ve made was just that – a choice. 
4 years and one broken heart later. you can’t deny the loss. 

but. the things i have gained. oh the things i have gained. 
how love comes in a heartbeat and the reaching for an outstretched hand. how love comes in the form of two voices, fumbling lyrics but in harmony regardless. 
there are insecurities abounding. and worries that keep me up at night, that wake you up in the middle of the night. 
too good to be true thoughts in waking life. mornings where kisses on the shoulder and perfect cups of coffee are involved. 
when comfort grows so quickly, the magic dies – with most people. 
i always see the mystery though. it will never die here. 
not with both of us working hard to keep one another. because we never fully believe we deserve the happiness the other gives. 
a perfect balance of insecure souls. of intelligence and support. or harmonious voices, gentle hands, genuine words spoken, and passion we hadn’t felt in years. 
i have in you, the materials to supplement the life i need. the happiness i’ve been seeking. and the partner in crime, laughter, and late nights. 

i understand that love is central. 
that i’ve been searching for the things i never had. that i tried out different people to find love in different places. different continents even. 
innocently wanting something true. 
a veritable source of pulse quickening love. 
strange how it hits you. how years after meeting, you meet again. how music and geography bring you together, but your bodies were like magnets regardless. 

i contemplate evenings nearly 4 years ago. i see blood soaked paper towels and hands holding my sliced finger. 
it was not the kind of love you see playing out in your head. 
it was innocent. 
i remember shying away from staying the night. avoiding sitting too close on the couch. and barely grazing his cheeks with my lips in order to say thank you. 
it’s you. it was always you. and the doubts worry me. 
there’s something underneath our years apart. or our initial reactions to each other. 
there’s a foundation of similar minds. similar hearts. and parallel paths that have been pulled close together, heading in the same direction now. 

my own flowery sentiments amaze me.