tune up

I’m listening to Ace Enders again.
if you know anything, you might know this is not a good sign.
it’s music that drags me back in time, years back. even though the first time it pumped through my headphones was merely last autumn.

i want to hop in the car and drive up to the lake.
there are memories floating in between the walls, in the embers of fires built on the beach, and notes played on a first-floor couch.

my default picture.
i remember the exact second i took it.
i remember which way my desk was facing in my dorm room. with the morning sun shining bright on my face – just freshly showered and hair blown dry. not a drip of makeup.
not the eyeliner i’ve been putting on so thickly for years – i remember jon looking at me, scrunching up his own blue eyes, "i wonder if your eyes would be as pretty if you didn’t wear eyeliner."
i can’t, for the life if me, remember what i saw in him.
i don’t even know why that memory crept in.
it’s just looking back. it’s just – that year, junior year at Wooster. probably some of the darkest times of my life. and yet – i was almost aching to return to how simple that pain was.

we watched Heartless tonight. Jim Sturgess is one of my favorite actors – I feel incredibly connected to him, like he was someone who grew up down the street or sat a row over in that lecture hall.
i think i’ll watch anything he does – how could i not, when he lends that absolutely effortless singing voice to all the soundtracks. it makes me think back to sitting in the back of the auditorium in high school – practicing for spring concerts, falling in love with every breathy note sung. i’ve always been a sucker for a man who can sing, who could put so much emotion right out there, so vulnerable, and completely open to the whole world. to their praise as well as criticism. a bravery i can barely ever muster.
anyway,
Heartless.  Good. It was a "horror" film – but the pain in it was what was the scariest. more terrifying than the "shocking" moments when something jumps out at you or the blood being spilled.

i’ve been offered a new job.
more of the same corporate bullshit.
but considerably more money.
i wish college hadn’t given me such an unrealistic world view.
the woman from HR asked me "have you ever made a decision you regret?" 
and just as i went on to write more about it, about the question, my answer, and my retrospective thoughts – the Ace Ender’s song I was listening to came through my headphones – "cut me deep, so you can see, everything’s not what it seems. on my knees i’m breaking down, just know i love you when i hit the ground. Oh I’m choosing us. Oh I’m choosing us."
there was never another choice i guess. there was "higher learning" that i could not have afforded anyway.
if only we all had parents who sent us to foreign countries to continue our useless educations – you just wait until you stop living that fantasy life and the real world hits – you won’t be so goddamn peppy and optimistic then.

so love was the only choice – it always will be, won’t it?
that’s my own little movie-script life. and the hero gets the girl. or in my case, the guy. through all the happenstance meetings and instants of longing.
I could listen to "Ready Ankles" on repeat for days.
damn you Ace Enders, damn you.

I went through a period of not liking him much – not after meeting him.
I think I just built him up in my mind – because I’d been listening to him for years.
I knew too much.
Read about his wife and baby. read tweets and blog posts – all in anticipation of him (and Kenny – who also, unfortunately, disappointed me) coming to Akron. to my FAVORITE venue – my favorite artists at my favorite venue.
i’d rather never know the artist in person. i’d rather sit in the back of that auditorium, falling in love with the music. I’d rather never know all your little problems, idiosyncrasies, ticks, fears, and unreachable dreams.
"you know you were right…"
there’s no way to ever be anything like i would build you up to be.

my head is too many places to keep writing tonight. when i get like this – i like to go back and read entries from years past. reminds me of what my constant is – my fears, my worries, and my heart.
i should just snuggle up to the boy, stop over thinking anything, forget about hopping in the car and driving to the lake, pet the dog, drink some wine, and just continue to live this life here – here in our home with World Market votive holders, hand-me down couches, and pieces of our separate lives.