settling in

 My mother walked through the doors of the house today. 
The first time since the move. 
After the grand tour, she exclaimed "there are no ghosts here." 

i stopped for a moment and thought on this. 
there are no ghosts here. 
there’s something to that.
although i do not believe there is life after death, it never stopped me from wondering what was lurking. 
with the outside of this house peeling and cracking, you’d think that inside would have the same obtuse, unwelcoming feeling. 

the last week since the move, i’ve been quietly unpacking, putting up pieces of home on the mantel, tucked into the bookcase, next to the couch, on windowsills. 
it must have worked, because with the addition of the vintage 50’s kitchen table and stools – it’s all in place. 
my mother mentioned the ghosts, i think, because other places i’ve lived have had a sad, dark feeling to them. even the dorm rooms. 
even the last apartment, albeit filled with love, but also silent problems hiding in corners and black mold growing under the walls. 

i think i’ve got it. 
i think adulthood is sinking in, but i’m doing it gracefully. 
not huge transitions and loss of the innocence and joy we used to feel. 
but with taking that in
and allowing the good to happen. 
like my sweet little pup, asleep upside down next to me, splayed out and ears tucked behind his head. 
i accept this love. 
this love i give and receive from this little being. 

or even the love that will be returned in the future. 
i’ve thought long and hard on lakeside offers and nostalgic trips through time when love making was just that and friendships were easy. 
nothing is easy now. 
happiness comes with work.
but i’m more than willing to work for anything that i call mine now. 
there isn’t always a heart beating loudly in the wings, waiting for his turn.
there isn’t always an easy fix for friendships that are too far broken. 
my solution is to keep walking, keep working, and always – keep loving. 

i’ve fallen into routine, but it feels new now that i’m here, in this house – in this mint room we painted and surrounded by pieces of furniture given in love – what stories they tell. 
i’ve got some Dallas Green playing in the background, drowning out heartbeats, and guitar squeals. 

i’ve got a whole life. 
ahead. 
i was so worried before – thus the ulcer. 
i was anxious. 
after friday night, and sweet kisses this morning…
i wonder if I ever should have been. 

i’m taking it bit by bit, trying to remember why I stayed in the first place – or why I left. 
everything in it’s right place.