safe at home.

soundtrack for 4-20 entry, "My Beautiful Rescue," This Providence. 

i found out today that my first boyfriend, the one who i fell for at 16 years old. and mourned for his loss at 18 years old, the one who went away to college and fell in love with someone else…
I found out today that my first boyfriend is now engaged. 
I had a nice chuckle and a smile about it. 
he always did like being in love. i honestly hope he finds all the happiness in the world. 
it was strange and surreal moment realizing that 5 years ago i was the girl to whom he mused to about white picket fences. 

but then i ponder my own love life. and the presence of tangible white fences. they are there, in front of our own reality. 
and smile at my own luck. 
and smile at that connection – the white picket fence that i noticed the first time i pulled into the driveway. 
at home with a friend, a lover, and a perfect companion. that’s what home is. 
and the butterflies persist. 
i see snapshots, slideshows, moving pictures and bodies together. warm in bed. or eyes staring into mine under fluorescent lights and swirling steam. 
wounds are cauterized and pain is alleviated by the intertwining of limbs. 

i used to think that autumn was my favorite season. 
i still adore the smell of the leaves. the memories of carving pumpkin’s in a basement, listening to dashboard. 
but i’m learning to love the shocking green of spring. the huge pink buds that are visible from the bathroom window, the smell of rain and the combination of all of those elements that make for a perfect environment to fall into arms that are there, waiting for the newness to cover them. to cradle it. nurture it like a sapling.
this is the start of new life. the thrill of it all. 

i’d give anything for this life. for this change from the cold of winter. and the harshness of fickle hearts. 

i have so many more things to say. i always do. 
but. 
my heart distracts me from the work at hand. and i’ve got to get back to the grind.