mental [building] blocks

Thoughts. in reaction to my friend Kristi’s wedding this past weekend.
the magic dies when you’re older – sucked out of things like christmas and the less-than-cinematic-perfection of a wedding. to get that feeling you must be aware and search within your own analytical mind – it no longer comes unprovoked.

i’ve been m.i.a. lately. living in the bliss that love provides, searching for a real job and holding on to my dreams as they slowly slip away as adulthood takes over.
dreamless, except for the occasional fleeting moment where they seem possible.
this is going to be hard work.

this wedding got us talking. friends on a roadtrip, discussing how each would do it differently. or what was stunning.
a father/daughter dance that reminded me, though i need no reminders, that in 2 months it will be 10 years since i lost my father. and his 60th birthday is to follow.
too much decay happens, as the walls cave in and lives we once knew disappear.

i wonder where you went. where the love we once knew walked off too. i imagine that time in my life as a person, a scraggly homeless man who decided to just pack up one day and get himself lost.
our love packed its rucksack and hit the ground running, hopped on a moving train maybe. there are pieces of that time in everything i do. shards of it, rather.
i think of my current perfection found in love – i see him contemplating the same things. he wonders where she ran to.  and i wonder if she lives in his silence.
is that why you’re so scared of my silence? 
the potential to be hurt worse than ever before scares me.
it’s still debilitating and i can’t think my way out of it, so i let my mind get in the way of my happiness.
sometimes, we are just happier in our unhappiness.

i’m frustrated by my lack of skill. my lack of phrasing or wit, something to describe what i now have with a certain lens that reflects the honest NEW feelings i have.
how i wake every morning in utter disbelief that i’m waking up next to you.
or how "coming home" has taken on a new meaning when it’s to walls that surround you.
i needed this. i just haven’t settled into my place, or my feeling that i belong where i have stopped.
the uncertainty still lurks.
although you say you miss it – it sqwats in dark corners and reaches for my ankles as i jump into bed. it hasn’t left us. it hasn’t left me – it’s form just shifted. shape shifting doubts, fears, and uncertainty.

stretching out ahead of me are millions of options. the choices are exciting, and the possible mistakes are immobilizing.
it’s all in my head, as always.