Eva

It’s been a while, I know.
I’m sorry.
Sorry to myself for not putting time aside for this.

I’ve been thinking about starting some sort of food blog – living with dietary restrictions from a boyfriend who cannot eat garlic. Cooking with a Vampire maybe?
I’ve been working.
I’ve been stressing – with an ulcer to prove it. a lovely pain to remind me of inner turmoil.

How strange, forboding, depressing, and daunting adult life is.
our childish dreams turn into reachable goals.

I’ve been having a hard time coming up with things to lull me to sleep.
last year, when i could not sleep at all, i used to imagine something wonderful and, what I thought was possible – dreams of travel or love unimaginably powerful….
Well I have an extraordinary love.
a growing happiness enveloped inside that.
but stresses amount. worries amount. bills amount.

how does one move past the clutter? the obligations? the worries?
how does one just be happy? and grateful?

I cannot fantasize any longer. What realistic things are there to make me stop worrying at night? You dream of the day he’d ask to have you forever, you plan things out, make lists – but then you start attaching dollar signs to that list…
you start amounting worries to the fantasy that used to calm you instantly. 

who are you these days? you are corporate america now.
you are in meetings that remind you about the corporate dress code, internet usage, and "task time."

I just don’t know myself anymore.

I’ve got to set time aside to write.
I was inspired today (so much so that I am sitting here at work writing) by a gorgeous, courageous woman who was blogging throughout her losing battle with cystic fibrosis.
Eva.
I found her on CNN this morning. (a poignant story amidst the depressing reality of our world)
http://65redroses.livejournal.com/

she is incredible.
her writing style reminded me of my own. my mortality hit me square in the face today.
what an amazing woman. what a beautiful woman. what a caring and loving person to share her battle with the world and to continue to urge people to be organ donors – if I wasn’t already, I would have done it RIGHT after reading that story.

i finished reading scores of her posts and felt empowered. and i had a desperate urge to write.
to do something more than sit here every day in my chair, doing my corporate work, paying my bills, hoping for adventure.
we make our own happiness, our own adventure – as Eva pointed out to me, our own love and loving attitudes toward life.

if you know me, or read this at all – you know that love is so central.
losing a father a young age, fighting against loss and epic loves that turned into pain – you know I’ve kept striving for love, to love, to be loved, to give love, and to just feel it every day.
this beautiful woman reminded me about that need today.
a connected spirit of passion and giving.
seeing the love pouring out of people for her – a father who loves her (how I wish I had that – growing up devoid.), a family who continues to support her dreams even in death.
It’s remarkable.

So. I will write more. I will start that blog I had been wanting to – even if no one reads it. it will exist.
it will bring me happiness.
I am inspired.
and touched by someone’s life that never encountered my own.

let’s start today.
writing.
and taking in the little things life has to offer.

I think happiness is sure to follow.