detoxing.

Soundtrack for August 11th entry: Cleanse Song, Bright Eyes

it’s strange how my own clairvoyant moments come to exist in my reality.
a thought of homelessness as i passed the shelter yesterday (how fast that could be me, i thought)
pictures of a loveless wanderer crop up in my mind. a nomadic heart once again.
how fast we could lose each other, ourselves.
and there it happens.

i push because i pull so hard.
i understand.
the need for your own life. and space.
and here i sit. a finger on keyboard that isn’t mine.
do you resent that i am here. sitting and waiting. on phone calls and emails.

i said, i do no want to exist any longer.
the paralyzing fear has persisted.
of being left behind and unwanted.
friendships ending after almost 2 decades. and loves falling apart  – eating themselves from the inside out.
my heart is simple. like my life. like "i like you."
i don’t see the complexity that you were searching for in those words on the page.
my mind – not so simple
but the happiness is there. it depended on his happiness. and not as you’d think.
it was more innocent than codependent.
codependency was never an option.

i guess i just –
needed to be needed.
is that so strange a request?
and my life and love become burdens to those i love so deeply.
it becomes wrapped up in a series of text messages – "why did you even come then?"
hurtful. stinging all my insides. and felt like my body’s tissues were being wrung out like a soiled dishrag.
unimportant. a burden of sorts – without saying it directly.

because it’s hard for all of us – growing up.

i don’t want to grow old anymore.
i don’t want the things i used to anymore.
i just want – rebirth.
and to be clean again. and new.

i haven’t been able to articulate these strange feelings.
my own fear that you sit around thinking of how i could be doing things differently, or wishing i was someone else, somewhere else.
or that friends who used to be an extension of myself – have descended into worlds underneath my own. a darkness i cannot venture toward. drowning ourselves.
i need the ocean waves maybe? or a plane ride to anywhere.
and laughter.
a simple understanding laughter. like she and i used to have. nights, when we were little girls (before that night in august, in 1999), where we couldn’t stop – for no good reason.

i need detox of sorts.
for love? 
for passion?
where are others like this, we ask ourselves over phone lines. i wonder if we made the wrong choice years ago. maybe we did – like i did with zach.
it’s all in my head. the thoughts that never stop revolving. the music i imagine playing late at night. and the ridiculous need that he imagines he cannot fill.

i see myself as becoming too much to handle. for anyone.
it’s a strange feeling – the numbness. it was sudden.
it’s different from depressions i used to fall into. where it felt better to sleep months away. or stay up – unable to fall asleep. watching the shadows change on the white brick walls.
it’s different – not an ache behind my ribs or in my throat, but more a lack of that.
it’s just – already not existing.

i want that time back. college springs. or autumns. where they would call to check in. or come to visit their friend, laughing as they get lost on country roads.
or when i could feel the passion in someone else’s eyes, fingers, lips. an equal passion.
nights of pages turning and love growing.
it doesn’t happen like that as you get older.
there are obligations. and sadness being reflected instead of passion in their eyes.
a natural disaster of sorts – unstoppable. unpredictable. and you cannot fix it.

the surfaces here feel foreign. i cannot sit. or lie down on them.
they are not mine.
i’ll pace uncomfortably until i find a good place to stop.