bastard child day?

Another fatherless fathers’ day.
this is not some sort of self-pity plea for sympathy.
i never needed it.
understanding, yes. sympathy, no.

this rounds out to be the 10th fatherless father’s day.
i would rather be alone this weekend.
i think.
after all this time, I have yet to find anyone who really understands.
of course i’ve met people who have lost fathers, we share that. we understand the pain and the moments where you think, even after 10 years, you’re not healing.
but someone who understands me, well that’s a whole different thing.

i’m feeling stagnant today.
after about a week of unrelenting happiness, i realize that i just need to wallow again.
for only a short while.
i promise.
it feels nice sometimes.
it feels nice to be nowhere. to be alone. and to just let that feeling overwhelm you.
then be able to step out into the world refreshed.

i haven’t had that.
not in a long time.
not since sleepless nights in college dorm rooms, an insomnia-induced calm, where the world was moving so slow and there was so much time to be had. one’s own time warp.
there was a certain comfort in the aloneness. a quiet, fuzzy feeling of being the only person awake.
or when all of my residents were gone… i’d bring my laptop into the showers and just sing.

i haven’t sung in a while.
my mother told me i had to start again.
she said, "find some chick rock band."
oh mother.
i did call about joining an amazing local chorus.
i never did follow through on the audition.

it’s been a long week and my thoughts are completely jumbled.
not feeling like myself and I don’t know how to really get that  feeling back.
i need to go for a run when I get home.
i need to sit and read.
and just not worry too much about what this sunday is.