Banality

i haven’t written in a while. out of fear, i think.
because i’ve slowed down. the emotions are seemingly more complex – sadness was such an easy emotion to convey. the disassociation – the words flowed like water and sadness became a beautiful muse.
and a mix of happiness, apprehension, dread, and stagnancy. it all comes at a time of year when i’m at my worst.
in a little over 2 weeks – the 10 year anniversary of my father’s death.
10 years is unfathomable.
i was such a child then. yet i heaped so much on my back.

and i live here now.
in a world where it seems i should be fine.
and i am. i am as fine as i could possibly be.
but that’s just me.
there are now unspoken pains. silent and still. nights during which i attempt to not bring up prior heartbreaks and pains.
yet i live with constant reminders.
of my own. and a love’s.

the feeling of dread is of my own imaging.
i see his words written and comments said through a screen of sleep – i see them as rocks slung, notes sung, and a heart that has not yet healed.
the comments are severe and humbling. reminding a lover of her place. her rank. and her own inabilities.
but the connections are a sort of madness. similar to Oedipa Maas’s. she is my own paranoia manifested.
i just fear that our hearts and minds do not sync up.
i do not want to be smothering. or a constant [annoying] presence.
but i love too hard. it pulls and it pushes at different weights and strengths.
my mind does not travel to "it’s hard, being with you." or  "i don’t have any alone time."
nor do i labor and toil for months writing an unopened letter to previous loves.
i wrote those years ago. only to eventually cast off all but a few fine memories to remind me that i was alive then. and not living in a dream.

dreams.
they’ve become increasingly more like waking life lately. an alternate reality that i haven’t experienced since last year during those months of insomnia.
it might be the monotony of daily life without a job.
it has nothing to do with the love.
though my own fears, no longer verbalized, may be seeping into my nocturnal thoughts.

lonely but not alone – i’m scared of the thoughts that are racing in your brain. constant comparisons? and exit strategies.
words spoken like "well there’s no one else i could tolerate and cohabitate with."
oh i know it’s inadvertant,
i just feel so – inconsequential.

it’s just. easy to write it. harder to speak it.
harder, almost, to think it.
but it’s just fears pouring out of fingertips – onto keyboards.
that’s all.
no cause for alarm.

although happiness does outweigh the worries.
but my own happiness and contentness in love isn’t my worry.

oh this is all so negligible. don’t ponder it or think on it all too long.