after a long week.

things are up and down lately.
moments of loss and mourning turn into realizations . seeing past the hurt and memories – to see the present. and happiness that is unrelenting.
as friendships die, friendships grow. and other friendships mend.

i was told that i push away those who criticism me.
i thought hard on this and her other pointed, accusatory comments.
and realized,
there’s no use in staying for false friends. what’s there at the end of wading through lies and back stabbing, when you genuinely never played into that?
there’s no need for high school drama and high school reactions, even my own.
i found, in afternoons spent cooking and laughing with college friends, that we all move on.
there are people who don’t criticize. there are people who love me for who i am.

it’s beautiful to wake up to that too.
to look into the eyes of something real.
moments of worry in this past week. compiled problems, coming to a head at the same, inconvenient time.
but, love prevails.
tension of opposites – "love wins."
meetings of hearts that used to make my own race. the final bit of evidence that we were once an "us"
and it’s strange, looking at a person who brought me so much pain at 18, 19, 20 – and then suddenly, nothing now, at 23.

and then today,
looking at someone who brings me nothing but aching happiness – you realize that i’ve landed in the warm lap of happenstance. of love. of as close to perfection as is possible.
glances shared, words written, underlined, or images of a perfect counterpart all found – a breadcrumb trail of words, ideals, and dreams that lead us out of the woods of heartache and away from the apparitions of our own design.
the trail that lead us to each other.
dances shared, barefoot and thoughts that float between two bodies – sentiments that dare not be spoken, for fear of dissolution in the stifling summer air,
they are so much better when i feel you thinking them. a sideways smirk on your lips.

nerves resurface as i worry about starting my new job tomorrow.
but.
change is good.
we fear change.
change is the future.
and here’s to change.

it can only get better from here.
optimism, once instilled, is a harder habit to break than the pessimism i lived with for so long.
i can thank real love for that, i believe.
and friends who drive across the state (or just send their love in dozens of e-cards when transportation is lacking) to cheer you.
hearts swell and fingers itch to be clasped together, lips too. lives intertwined.

i wish i could explain it better.
i’ve always had such a hard time writing my happiness.