a change of direction.

I realize that it’s been a while.
transitions are killing me. reverting back to days when doors were taken off the hinges and chunks of hair were ripped out.
and all i wanted was a life, one where I was loved and accepted.
how could that be too much to ask for?
from the people who are the only ones that should ever give it.

yet lately, i’ve found the things i need snuggled up close to me in bed, in the feeling of our knees locked together. in perfect cups of coffee made for me in the morning.
there are so many cliche ways to explain it. or i could let the constant shivers speak for themselves. the tingling of my fingertips as i run them over that spot on your back, your shoulders.
that feeling of your skin, as no one else’s has ever felt.
i think it’s that simple. physically, mentally, emotionally – no one has worked on all levels.

but this is the reality of where i am – considering things I never would have a few months ago.
immovable.
standing next to you.
hopes and dreams growing in your garden. kind of like your spearmint – spreading out everywhere, taking over every bit of free space in my body.
there’s more than enough room for you here.
futures sprouting and lives changing for the better – because I cannot consider anything without considering my ever-expanding love.
trips to paris. the west coast.
my wander-lust (as he jests) is assuaged by my need to end my days with you.

there’s no place to run off to anymore, not when I have an endless supply of mornings being woken up with kisses.
I wake up so easily when he is in my fuzzy morning vision.
it’s frustrating, as a writer, to attempt to explain the light and warmth that is exuded from him. to express the feeling of being completely put together when he’s there. or how perfectly two peoples’ lips can meet.
so many have attempted to pin down this feeling.
i can tell you it’s unique every time.
we will wake up every morning like this – still chasing each other and working to keep that perfect lover next to us, warm under the sheets.

i’ll work on this.
i need to let love inspire something. it’s infinitely better than darkness and pessimism.
we’ll keep the same songs on a loop and continue to laugh at the happenstance and happiness that comes back around every morning as we wake up to a new, bright, clean day.

"you can’t write, you can’t sing. you can’t do anything…Is there hope for us? There are constants we can’t define."