09/29/2009

It is nearly october.
i haven’t updated in a month — i’m apologizing to myself for neglecting such an integral part of who i am. writing. thoughts. words and phrases.
my mind hasn’t needed calming in such a long time.

this transition to adulthood has been shockingly fast. like dropping me in a pot of boiling water.
it’s autumn now. in full swing.
the leaves are turning. cold rain. and the distinct smell of wood burning fireplaces, decaying leaves and a crisp spice.

i wonder if this is my life yet.
if things have settled.
i worry less.
i fiddle more. with my hands. the radio dial. the things on my desk.
i work for Smucker’s – a big name, with big ideas, big policies and procedures to match.
but i am happy. simply put.
bits of happenstance draw me there – to Strawberry Lane. (really. that’s what it’s called.) 
like seeing an alum from my college – one who i ran into randomly last june in colorado. we had one class together.
we remembered.
she walked into the cafe where i was eating lunch today. in a small town. in a VERY small town.

i talked to a woman in quebec about adopting schnauzers.
we now have one. his is currently curled up on the couch in a blanket that someone gave me for christmas sophomore year of college. i remember the card with it — "it’s like hugs from your friend when he’s not around."
and its wrapping up our dog — his head tucked into it. painfully adorable.

love.
there’s where the constant state of the heart in the throat comes in.
it’s a good state to be in. i am not complacent. i am not unhappy or bored.
i am still excited. hearts beating and new experiences to be had. 
i feel like him sometimes – not wanting to say anything because there is nothing that hasn’t been said.

the only thing i can sit and lament about are the losses that occurred over the summer.
and despite the disposable nature of the people who walked away from me — there is still a very deep cut and a pain unimaginable.
it’s strange.
you know you’re better off without people who could betray you, talk about you behind your back, and continue to be angry without reason….
you know yet you cannot let it go.
but i’m in a great place. with a respectable job and a life full of love. i think it’s all i can ask for.

i just worry that i’ll be back on my knees before i know it. shocked and alone.
it’s an irrational fear, i know.