07/19/2009

home from a week at the beach.
old friends.
it’s strange how relationships morph throughout the years. how people change. how your love changes.
i want to hold on to our 13 year old selves. how we loved each other then.
23 is a mess of emotions. bills. waiting. heart breaks and drunken endeavors.

my college experience, the past 4 years were so different for me.
i have nothing to connect to them, it seems.
it’s like the thoughts before a break up.
and it throws me into an incredibly numb depression.

and then i think about waking up alone.
i think about the choices i’ve made in the past 4 months. and the unstoppable responsibilities that are to follow.

a house. bills. a life that i had not foreseen only  months ago.
i mourn for the loss of friends who went through unbelievable trials with me.
and then they just disappear.
memories become building blocks. stepping stones.

i wish i could write more.
i’ve got a banana bread in the oven.
i’ve got a boyfriend on his way home from a funeral.
a twitch in my left eye that has been there all day. a consequence of all my face scrunching last night, as i remembered and regretted forgiving.
there are things to be done.
and not enough time to sit alone with my thoughts.

this is seemingly too complicated to get right the first time.
it requires another entry tomorrow.