04/18/2009

after a long friday night
i need some time to stop. reflect.
it’s 3:16am. I’ve done my RA duties by carrying my resident’s girlfriend to the wellness center after discovering her puking in the bathroom.
a 20 year old crying and shaming herself.
it’s been an evening for sure.
and there’s no possible way to ignore it. or not sit with her and rub her back and coax her into the car so we can take her somewhere that people will watch her all night.
i’m just exhausted. drained from watching her boyfriend and roommate fall to pieces.

i am who i am. i make no apologizes for genuinely caring.

i don’t really know what i had to say, specifically.
i just had a million and one thoughts rolling around as usual.
i had flashback to freshman year – my terrible roommate, who drank too much.
i drove her to the wellness center, and held her hand at her request.
this was after the whole throwing a party, peeing in my fishtank, breaking my things, and telling her parents lies about me (she wasn’t the most beautiful of human beings)
this was after that, yet she asked me to stay and hold her hand.
i did.

i sat there tonight, pulling this girl’s hair back, wiping her mouth and watching her pain.
albeit self inflicted pain, but pain nonetheless.

i just need to sleep. and get myself into the arms that already care so much about me.
i think this whole night will fade from memory if i can just be there – in that big bed, with fingertips groping for skin all night long.

this is the start of something.
i really needed you.
i wish there was some other way to say it. there just isn’t.

this 3am writing is getting me nowhere. jumbled and pointless.

Halcyon

You’re a much kinder person than I. Too often, kindness only compels one to live their life on repeat, digging away in their little rut, somehow still believing that things have changed, that they’re different now, even though everything is still the same. Too often, only being faced with a sheer wall, devoid of support or handholds or tools to climb it, is enough to make someone turn themselves around to even look in another direction.

Aye, even with the depressed, who so claim to need you, him, her…whoever is nearby. Or the converse, who claim to not need anyone. To overcome takes effort; it cannot be only the others there to support them, as there always is (if there wasn’t there’d be many more successful suicides, to be true). Alone they will die, together they will die still, without a fire of their own. Perhaps it’s better to let these people hit their walls…perhaps it’s more in their best interests to. Perhaps they’ll realize their folly once it becomes obvious. If they don’t, perhaps darwin’s mark is upon them. Either way, perhaps it’s better for them. And you, as well.

starry-eyed

April 18, 2009

random noter – you are a good person. not many people would do that. i hope that girl realises how lucky she was to have you as her roomate.

pulchritude

she peed in your fishtank?! whoa. ha. i had a roommate who used to pee in our sink … i ended up pressing felony charges against her for communicating threats. oh freshman year. <3 go to those arms.

Ceir

She certainly didn’t deserve for you to take such good care of her, but it’s nice that you did.

<3,

you are very nice to do that, for someone you don’t even know. you need to sleep more =P

I hate watching people get sick, but I hate leaving them alone, I hope if I ever get sick I have someone like you to help me