01/18/2010

soundtrack to January 18th entry = "Ready Ankles" by Ace Enders

I am still tethered to things i cannot change.
simple words retrace steps and make me rethink things.
here i am, listening to Ace Enders and contemplating the past and passions and all that we used to know.

how is it that i’m living in a reality that i cannot accept? this feels so unreal. the day to day, the waking and sleeping next to you.
and i go back and question this reality.
things like words from former lovers, why do they always evoke a tailspin of nostalgia? 
i am who he never let me be.
that past was destructive and dishonest. nothing good came from late night strumming or quiet fights had between the two flights of stairs.
it all seems like so long ago.
and out of the blue – there you are. asking about my present, no mention of the tumultuous past.

some days, the utter lack of drama worries me.
but it’s just what i was used to.
and here, in front of me, is a possible life. a forever. for the first time.
my head aches with the possibilities. those that are lost, and those that are still in front of us. goosebumps and heartbeats skipped.

but this is it. there is nothing better.
so i question my own sanity. my own reasons for staying.
i think i’ll just get a beer and sit here, unburdened. attempting to be so, at least.

i just have this memory. replaying.
and i see the lake, with no noises but the very gentle sound of water lapping on the frozen sand.
i hear music coming from the small speakers on my laptop, the running water from the shower in the upstairs bathroom.
i can even smell what that cottage smelled like.
there was a certain feeling about it – a time warp. where worries melted and love was the only emotion felt.
i hold on to that memory, yet feel sick thinking of you doing the same. either of you, thinking similar memories – i can’t stop it. but that doesn’t mean i have to like it.

i need to get away. just for a few days. to break up the days.
we need to move.
i need to figure out what’s going on with my insurance – as i cannot get new glasses or medical attention until these things get cleared.
all these adult worries.
and i am weak. from regular days. and missing things like friendship bracelet making in bunk beds, i cannot explain the longing for such things now.
maybe i need summer. spring?
anything to get away from the dark days. I rarely see the sun during the week.

you were right. i’m sure they all were.
i just miss ee cummings – the passion.
i think that’s all i’m nostalgic for.

i need you to shake me.
rattle those thoughts out of my head.