01/08/2010

i am now wondering if i didn’t miss my unhappiness.
i am currently restless.
in the most literal way that you can take that word. without rest.
pacing mentally, physically.

i am now wondering if i really was happy that my unhappiness was gone.
we are never too far from such things.
we can never outrun then.
it doesn’t take too long to return to once was? 

i’m at this strange point in my life. in between sleepless nights and intellectual pursuits, and now – this stagnant corporate life. with reports and phone calls, and benefits, meetings and pay checks. 
i haven’t been on a plane in months.
i haven’t done anything for me in months.

i’m not complaining.
i chose to give my life to someone else.
it’s more about them returning a life.
so without someone returning the gesture – is it like walking around like a zombie? soulless and incomplete?
well it certainly feels empty.

i am so incredibly devoid at this very moment.
then you think, go back to school? i have no money? go back to a life without amazing love? – just to save yourself from the heartache that is always inevitable?
and that pessimist i haven’t seen in years steps out of the shadows. i definitely hadn’t missed that.
i found that optimism was effortless.
that even through loss, and heartbreak, more loss, and more heartbreak – i could always bounce back.
i just feel so incredibly alone – i think it’s this stage of life – this limbo that we live in post-graduation. a purgatory of perpetual bills, responsibilities, and reminders of what is always going to be lacking.
what i have to offer – will never be returned.
(i sound like old meghan, circa 2008)

 i have absolutely no place to go.
i am constantly reminded how close to broken i really am.
and it’s all such an incredibly delicate balance. up and about to down and out – in a blink.
and it’s ones own fault for giving too much of one’s self, for loving too hard. for being too passionate for one’s own sanity.

i guess some things never change.
and i’ve decided that i definitely didn’t miss the anguish. no matter what it inspires.

it’s not worth this.