Puff puff

I came home the other day after my drug test and smoked a joint that has been sitting in my Wringley’s gum tin for the past month and half. Ahhh….that was nice. So I passed my drug test, and I got a 93 on my state exam. I am official! I put in my notice at work today. I’ll be starting my new job on the 18th. So sick of sitting on my ass gaining weight, while dealing with assholes all the time. I’m excited to be walking aroud more, taking care of people. It really is a life changing experience. This job will change the way you think about life. It makes me happy to be me. I am so lucky and so many different ways. There’s some terrible things that happen to people. It’s sad. I feel like no matter how good I treat them, and take care of them, they can never be like me. Some can never walk again, or speak, or hear. Most are on thier death bed. Just waiting to die. 🙁 It fills me with sadness and anger at the same time. If God is out there, why would he let these people live like this?  Most of these people deserve a better life than I do. I will never understand.

I’m going to see Alan today. I missed him quite a bit this week. I have been missing him more and more.  It sucks because I almost don’t want to miss him. I know that the future we have together is almost non-existant. I feel like i’m leading him on, but it’s not intentional. I really do like him, I’m just not sure how much. He has anxiety, and is not very social. He never really feels like meeting my friends. I don’t feel like he wants to be a party of MY life, but he expects me to be a part of his. I just want a normal relationship for once, and I don’t think that this will be it. I do care about him though. He means a lot to me. I never thought I could care about someone so much and not want to be with them. It’s a different feeling for me. *sigh* I’m going to see him tomorrow. He’s going to get me super high i’m sure.  I think I need it. It’s been a long month.