08/14/2012

Sometimes I wonder if God is torturing me because of my doubts of his existance. If he does exist, I’m sure he knows that finding love is one of the most important things to me. I feel like that love is rubbed in my face everyday, and I can’t have it. I can’t feel him when I want, or kiss him when I want. I just have to sit back and watch, wait, and hope that something similar comes along that can be ALL mine. I don’t want to keep wishing he will come wake me up with a kiss. I want to KNOW someone will be there when I wake up.

I wish I knew if there was a God. I don’t feel like a good enough person to NOT believe in him. I feel like if I chose not to believe, I would be doomed. Crazy talk, right? It’s a confusing subject for me. I don’t feel the need to do any research on a bunch of religions just to see if there’s something that catches my eye. The only thing that catches my eye is the beauty of this world, and I want to enjoy it….whether God put it here or not. Religion baffles me, and stresses be out. While my whole family is very religous, I am the outcast, weed smoking, sex fiend who loves to watch porn and get off 3 times a day. But I mean…if that’s the WORST I do, is that so terrible? I try to be good to people. I treat people as I would want to be treated. I still have my doubts sometimes….I feel like I could do better, which porbably means I could. Either way, if there is a God…I hope he understands and he loves me for who I am.