Karma

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I had a little epiphany while in the bathroom at work today. I had finished using the toilet and looked over to see a little wasp on it’s back, clearly dying of something horrible. He was twitching and when I flushed the toilet, panicked and moved around a lot more. I stood there and watched him and realized that I had a choice. I could let the wasp suffer it out and die much later from now, in pain, or I could kill him now and put him out of his misery. That made me realize that everything we do has a choice, or a number of choices, and what we do with our lives is what we decide to do, not what we are forced to do, because we are never forced to do anything. The situation with the wasp and I was applied to the general idea of human life, and how it would affect my karma if i let the wasp suffer, or if I killed it. My mind was completely trapped in this moment and I couldn’t get away from it. I had to decide, and because leaving it to die there bothered me deeply, I stepped on it, killing it instantly. I felt like I did a good thing, even though I hated killing it.

I decided, for the first time ever, to start over. Since Tony and I broke up, I’ve been hanging on to this hope that he will be the romantic and take me into his arms and tell me everything will be alright. I realize I have the choice to believe this lie, or to move on with my life and the new man in it. Zach is in love with me. He is not shy to admit it, and that makes me feel good. He doesn’t care if my bills are paid off, and he doesn’t expect more of me than I can give. He makes my days better and I feel like I can have a future here. I won’t stay in Milledgeville forever, but I’m not moving back to Florida anytime soon. I want to see what happens here. I am interested in the future of my choices. I re-applied for MGT at work and the chances of getting it are looking much better this time than before. I hope to get it and make big differences in my life, for the better.

So here, in this diary,  I haven’t deleted my past entries, because they are still an important part of my life to me. I have made them private, however, as I want to keep them in my mind and not so much on the plate. I love that I can start again. I tried to make it difficult, but in the end, I realized that it, like everything else, involved a simple choice: Do I linger and wait, hoping for something that may never come, or do I take the opportunity that is concrete and right in front of me, and not worry about the former? I choose the latter. My heart feels lighter and I am not disturbed as I once was. My life will turn around and I realize that I have to choose to do that in order to succeed.

I hope that by making my diary public again I’ll find that new and old readers come back to help me along my newly dug path.

Here’s to a fresh start.

-Mary