I could be watching TV…

But I’m not. I am sitting here listening to music. I reflect on this black heart of mine. It has become so full of pain and rage and I haven’t a clue of how to rid myself of it. I have to admit the only bright spots still surviving are the love I have for my son and my grandparents. I have endured so much the past few years and I have to say most is self inflicted. I shouldn’t have gotten married. Yet she had a hold on my heart that I couldn’t let go of. She was a brilliant woman who filled my companionship needs. She was my best friend. When I lost her, I seemed to have lost myself. It isnt like it was a suprise. I have always lost a piece of myself when I lost love. I have never been able to find those pieces again. I have always tried to fill myself with something else, but they always seem to fade away like a dieing star. Maybe I wasnt meant to find those pieces again. Maybe the should remain lost. Maybe I should have died years ago. Maybe there is a purpose. I may never know.