Today’s Rants

Today, I feel so down and lost. I feel alone and stuck in a cycle of sin and repentance. It is so frustrating because I know deep in my heart that I want to be a better person for God and secondly, for myself. Yet I fail You almost every day. I already chose to stay away from this guy and it hurts so much. Until now I still keep on thinking and longing for him. I know that being with him is wrong. I can feel that he’s not the right one for me, yet I still long for him. Why do we love liking someone who’s not right for us? I am now filled with misery and regrets. Regrets for letting my Ex go, for choosing the wrong person, for abandoning him when he needed me the most. I have no one to talk to right now, but I know I always have God, and I know that He’s listening. I am lost and caught up in a cycle of trying to become better and regretting at the end of the day because I have done nothing right.

I’m exhausted, everything feels like a façade. Behind my smiles and laughter are piles of worries, anxieties, self-doubt, self-loathing, and feeling of worthlessness. I want to take off this mask, yet people might judge me, they will finally see how weak I am, how afraid and broken. I don’t want them to take pity on me.

Lord, how can You love a person like me? Honestly, I can’t even love myself right now. Am I too weak to be a doctor? Am I too weak to be in this world?