waiting for death

I’m feeling pretty emotional tonight. the abuse has gotten the best of me. if ms kathy was here she’d say i let the abuse get the best of me or some theraputic bull shit like that. it makes me angry because sometimes i feel like no one will ever understand what i’m going through and the pain i feel. i don’t think anyone will ever understand the hurt. sometimes it really is crippling. at night time when it’s just me and i lay in bed, i dream about the abuse. About him on top of me ramming his penis inside me. it hurt. i can remember feeling like i was being ripped in two. i can remember crying. but not yelling for him to stop. just holding my breath hoping to die. how can sex be pleasurable now? thats what i feel like i feel ike i’m waiting for death. how can i make it stop hurting? all i want to do is cut myself. cut until i feel better or atleast until i stop hurting on the inside. i tried writing him a letter explaining how he hurt me. Emotionally, physically, it’s so hard. Hard to get past it, to get through it. to stop the pain and the hurt and it’s all rolled into one. i wanna tell someone what he did to me.  i want someone to know how he hurt me. and i want someone to rock me until i feel better. someone to take all the pain away until i feel better. make it go away. until then i’m just waiting for death.

k