I’ve Learned to listen through the silence

Between The Lines
by: Sara Barielles

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause i cant continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

My memory is cruel
Im queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn i’d heard him say it ten thousand times
If only i had been listening

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we’d move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He’d already left with the other
So i’ve learned to listen through silence

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me be
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I’ll talk until the conversation doesn’t stay on
Wait for me i’m almost ready
When he meant let go

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines

So I’ve learned to listen through the silence, but my my memory is cruel. all the ways he invaded my body, a molestation of my soul. where does this leave me now? between the lines thats where. this new memory, its stuck in my head, stuck in my mind, etched in my brain. he and i, not lovers, i have to tell her, not lovers, children aren’t lovers. they aren’t meant to be anyhow. but i was his, he made me his. and each time we made love, he said we were making love, each time i thought my body would be ripped into pieces. he would take my body to a level unfamiliar with my soul, and a distincitive disconnection would happen. maybe its similar to death, when the soul leaves the flesh. or maybe im over exagerating, but it feels as though my soul leaves my body, im much to small to understand what is really going on. Penis being jammed between two little legs, oddly i know exactly what is happening, exactly what he is doing to my body. i’ve experience this kind of assault before, and i know i will experience it again. this kind of pain is worth getting used to. and i do. i get used to the pain and i come to expect it, maybe i even like it. so i balance myself between these lines. the lines of hate and love, missing him and despising him, to bleed or keep living, the line of regret and submission. i can close my eyes and see everything so perfectly, i prefer to live in the dark, eyes wide shut. it hurts to open them, the truth is much to painful. and as i listen to myself, i listen to the words my mind forms, but my mouth fail to spew, i can only scream in my brain. the worst kind of scream that only i can hear, because i fear it would deafen anyone else around. i miss the days when the pain between my legs was all that i felt, when my mind and my heart and my vagina were soo seperate that i did not realize what he was doing was wrong. when the abuse was only physical, not emotional, not sexual, not mental. i miss how i believed he loved me and that one day i’d understand how this love thing went. And i thought i was ready to bleed, i was ready to become the woman he wanted. Put away my child like things, my child like body, the one he always managed to hurt, i thought once i became a woman it wouldn’t hurt, and i could make love in return. it would be a mutual thing. And when i got my period, i realized nothing had truly changed. yes i was now bleeding, but my body hadn’t changed, my mind hadn’t changed, and i didn’t want him doing those things to my body anymore than i wanted it when i was not a woman. Truth be told, i have yet to really reach womanhood. even though now i have the body, and all those womanly assets, my mind is still that seven year old standing in the bathroom mirror wondering when i am going to feel any different. Standing in the mirror wondering why i still feel six. its terribly lonely between the line of wellness and sickness. i wish to stop this pain.

pieces,
K-liv