What were you thinking?

What did it feel like,
when you were standing up there,
What were you seeing?
Were you looking at the world
that you felt had so let you down?
Were you looking up
at the grand future you had suddenly lost
with everything that had happened to you?

What was going through your mind?
Who were you thinking of?
Were you thinking at all?
Did we come to you mind
even for a minute moment?
Did you even give a care,
of what you were leaving here?

Did you have any idea
of what it would put us all through
deciding to leave us behind that way?
Did you care to have an idea
of the torment which we may have been put through
over the decisions which you made?

Did you even care
That we would bleed inside
and almost never stop bleeding?

Did you lose your mind so much
that it never struck you
of how it would strike us…?

I stood at an open window of a building one day
Four floors is a long way,
Wind in my face,
Did you feel any grace?
I closed my eyes
Trying to image being you…
But I was never like you,
Could never be,
I’m only me…
I could not see it,
Could not feel it,
Could not justify the act,
Yet you did…

I can only decide,
That you had no mind at all,
When you took that final fall.

The End
Sky Lark Crow
4.03pm 15th December 2005

***

Sometimes these thoughts just wander around in my head…

***

I suppose I am a little down. Still haven’t convinced myself that I am over Paul. I ain’t, a part of me still wants him, and a part of me I suppose hopes that he will someday change his mind, even though I know that that is like NEVER going to happen, EVER… so yeah NEVER EVER is in the future with regards to that and still it is effecting every other decision which I make with regards to my life. I suppose I am safeguarding myself in a sense, and also pushing myself into something I never wanted to be in – in another sense.

I told myself that I should start dating, even though I know that my dad wouldn’t like that. Just to let myself be interested in other people, or tell myself that I can be seriously interested in other people even though all I’m essentially looking for is nothing but friendship I suppose… My dad has this guy in mind for me to marry. I’ve known this guy for years, as my family has known him. Yes he is nice enough, but no, even though I used to be interested in the dude, I ain’t into him anymore, and I don’t want to be married to him and his family. I love them, they are wonderful people, but I don’t want to be related to them by marriage through me.

The guy’s changed, and I’ve changed, I want different things. He may not even say yes anyway. But since I don’t want it anyway, I don’t want to be offered up for rejection… I keep telling my dad "NO" but he keeps asking me to give it a chance and see first… I think I’ll end up sabotajing the whole deal anyway at best.

I just want to be on my own really. I have gotten used to being on my own and just being me and being myself and not caring about what everyone else thinks about it. I let me be me amongst those whom I trust and just be whatever the rest want me to be when I am in that spotlight.

Yes, one day I may want to marry but for now I do not have any interest in either marrying or having kids because the only person I truly want to be with, I cannot be with… And I cannot offer my heart to anyone else while it is still with this person… What else is there to offer then?

Anyway, until the operation my dad will not speak to them about it, so I am going to try and change his mind between the 27th – 30th then I will be hospitalized after the op on Tuesday. I hope that it goes well. Yes I am a little apprehensive about it, but who wouldn’t be?

I hope you all are good and well.

God be with you always!

Sincerely,
The Stressed Soul