Questions

If I’m not in your heart,
And certainly not in your head,
Then why do you want me,
In your bed?
See how it all does rhyme?
"I don’t know,"
Is just insufficient this time.

The End
Sky Lark Crow
7pm 21st June 2006

***

I decided I didn’t want to argue about it until I see him again.
And I know I seem extremely needy and stupid in this relationship, whatever it is.
And sometimes I really do feel that way,
But mainly it’s because I don’t really know how he feels.
I used to think that he was just using me,
it’s true, and I accepted it, and I let it continue.
Did I hope that it would change with time and that he would want more?
I can’t say that somewhere deep inside, that was really what I wanted.
I wanted him to see that perhaps I am just as worthy.
And I thought that letting things continue anyhow would give him time to see and have a change of heart.
But it’s been going on for so long… Long enough that I came around to feeling it won’t change.
That if he does have a change of heart, it won’t be for me, but for someone else.
Apparently from his past.
So I thought it was about time to drop the charade and get on with my life without it.
Not without him, but without this complication between us.
Most of the times he is quite direct that there is really nothing between us.
So when I asked "Why we still at it then?" And one day he suddenly says it’s because he doesn’t know, I’m floored.
A part of me wants to hope that "I don’t know" means that perhaps he’s feeling we may have something.
He’s feeling that perhaps it’s not just meaningless, but he’s just had too many things go wrong to want to take a chance.
He saying "I don’t know" makes me not want to give up.
But "I don’t know" really means so little, doesn’t it?
It doesn’t mean that when he does know finally, the answer would be "Because I really do want you…."
It could end up being "I really just was using you coz it was convenient and you let me."
When I’m just about ready to let it go, I’m confused and wanting to be hopeful again.
So I don’t wnt to think about it, or deal with it.
I want to see him first. I want to know if what I feel is still as real and as strong, and not just what I feel because I’ve been holding on and not allowing my heart to get otherwise distracted from him.
Is it that I don’t look at other men because my heart really just wants to reside in his?
Or is it that because of him and everyone else before, I’m too afraid to trust my heart with other men anymore?
It’s easier to hold on to something that’s farmiliar than to jump into new territory when your dealings in the past have always been bad. It’s easier to just stay in one bad spot, than to try and move into another spot, hoping that it would be better, only to find that it is also bad or that it’s worst.

I always had this fantasy actually, that I’d meet someone and from the first "Hello" things would just be so amazing that it was inevitable that he and I would be together then.
I found that with him. The person who things ended up just being so amazing with from the first "Hello".
Maybe my head recognized it first and jumped to hide my heart away.
How many fantasies become a reality?
How many are instead turned into broken dreams that leave you in tears?
My head probably knew that if I let myself believe he was the one my fantasy was made for, I’d ruin it in reality.
Perhaps that’s what I’ve been doing now.
Voicing it, making it real, touchable, breakable,
When before it was only just so full of promise.
Reality is snatching away that promise.
and I don’t want to break again.

***

Yeah, I’ve come to terms with my Monday exam fuck up. I’ll just have to do whatever I have to do to make good of it once my results come out. It’s not the end of the road, it’ll just be another road block which I ended up putting there myself which I have to find a way to remove now.

Yes Leiskha, as unproud as I am for being that angry and reactive about Monday’s exam, I did feel better after writing that. Sometimes I just have to be that way. I’m normally more polite, but at times I just can’t be.

If you’ve suddenly been given even the slightest reason to believe that there could be potential for more than just fooling around? If you suddenly had the slightest inclination that love could actually blossom if you just be a little more patient and not give up just yet? Would you still hold on?

I am telling you that he is worth it if he does change his mind. But yes, it’s not worth it if he doesn’t.

I just really want to know if he is confused because he is afraid that things may not work out again, or if he is confused just because if he says he’s sure that we are just messing around, he’ll that part of it. I don’t mind taking a chance even if we take that chance and we don’t end up making it together. He’ll still be my most precious friend even if we have a real relationship and it doesn’t work out. But does he want to take that chance with me?

He’s always talking about someone else… She’s always on his mind. Always the one whom he says he will never stop loving and always keep wanting, and that he wants her to forgive him and take him back. That now that he is getting his life back together he wants a chance to make things work with her, if she would just give it to him.

I want him to be happy. Seriously. Even if it’s not with me. But I want him to clear cut decide that it’s not me, it was never me, he and I were just yeah, playing things off each other and its time to stop. I can accept that. I haven’t let myself believe that it could be more. But saying "I don’t know" makes a part of me that I’ve locked up want to shake down the the traps and bust out to see if "I dont know" means that maybe "Maybe I do care about you" when before this it never was the case.

Hope is a good thing, unless you’re lying to yourself. I don’t want to lie to myself, nor do I want to hope if there’s nothing there to hope for. I don’t want to lose him in my life. He’s been such a great friend before all this. I hate to think I ruined the perfect friendship for wanting a love that didn’t exist.

I’m not making excuses for either of us.

We’ve both had rough relationships. Maybe there could be something worth exploring between us, maybe not? I would want to believe that there could be, that we could explore it, and I don’t mind if we explore and find that it wans’t meant to be… I just don’t like not knowing where it stands…

If you want to be with her, if you want her back, then just keep to that and not ask to be with me ‘physically’, while you’re waiting on her. But if you’re with me because a part of you actually does want to be with me, then just be with me and see where it goes. I’d take that chance with you because I want to be with you. I know that I do, through good and bad I just want to be with you.

But if you don’t really want me. Let it go, find someone you really want, orsomeone you can be with without all these messups. Let us just be friends and nothing more so that we don’t ruin what we have/had over something you’ve always said you don’t even want from me.

Right now Im not going to think about it more. I’ll wait til the exams are done and I’m back home before I sort it out then. Right now I just wanna be his friend again until we can meet again and see how things are or have changed. I know I’ve gone nuts and pushed things and crossed lines. I guess I just wanted things decided. But since it’s still not decided, I just want to pull away and not deal with it until there’s real grounds to do so.

Life can be acid enough not to want to make it burn worst.

Today I aint angry or sad or depressed. I’m just contemplative. I don’t wnt to be sad tomorrow.

Take care and be well everyone.

God bless.

Sincerely,
Just a Gal too Full of Emotion