Let Me Capture Those Moments

I suppose that the pretense is fun,
So for a little longer I’ll let it run,
A favour for a sick friend,
A favour that has to see an end.

I guess I enjoy your delarium,
We talk, we laugh, we play,
Meds make you nice and then some,
Being serious would be a waste anyway.

As much as it is for you, it’s for me,
I like to believe that you’re smiling,
And that you’re smiling because of me,
It’s these little things that make me happy,
If for a moment, I forgo reality.

I’d be lying if I said,
"I’m no longer hoping you would love me,"
Nah, but I do want you to be happy,
With or without me.

Right now I’ll settle for you getting better,
I’ll settle for you making your way here,
I miss sitting beside you and just chatting,
I miss watching you in mundane acts of living.

Let me capture those moments on my camera,
Moments that I’ll always treasure,
Your smile, your scrowl, your laughter,
The calm of your features in sleep,
The intensity of you working at the computer,
Or thinking of some problem you can’t solve,
And after when you’re got it all resolved.

Let me capture all those moments,
Immortalize all those expressions,
That I remember you always,
In my mind and through my pictures,
Let me remember you…..
My beautiful boy blue…

The End
Sky Lark Crow
4.22pm 7th May 2006

***

It’s a little cruel when you enjoy spending time with your friend because he’s sick,
And being sick, well being on meds, gives him the most perfect jovile temprement.
Of course I want him to get better. If he doesn’t get better he won’t be able to visit me here.
But I would hope that temprement doesn’t change with his improved health.
It always seems to work in negatives, good health = bad temprement, with him.  HAHAHAHA
But right now he’s just so playful and light. It’s such a delight.
Reminds me of why we became such good friends and how he won my loyalty to begin with.
One should never question God’s gifts to them, even if it may change in nature.
Who are we to say if a person is better or not? Every soul is precious.
More so if that soul has touched your life in the most intimately profound way.
And that’s my lil beautiful boy blue… I could never leave you.

***

He’s been sick for more than a month now. It is really a worry. But he has his people looking after him, if he insist on not looking after himself. So that’s good anyway.

I’ve changed my sleeping patterns to be able to talk to him online at the odd hours that he gets on. Between Australia and India there’s about a 4hours difference. Sometimes he gets on during the day, but those are just for a few short precious moments then. Normally if he gets on at night, it’s like because he had to take his medication. He’ll be online until it kicks in and he’s too dopey to type anymore. Actually, him on medication is far nicer than him when drunk. He is a nice drunk yes, but he tends to go over the top. On medication, he’s even nicer, and more sedate. And he’s seriously he sweetest guy, though he wouldn’t remember a thing about it the next day, and insist that I am teasing the heck out of him, if I tell him of the conversation the night before. *sigh* But yeah, even on medication he is absolutely certain that he could never love me. So I suppose there no deep dark secret love that he holds for me. And I knew that already anyway. He told me once that he’ll stay with me until I found someone for myself though. Said he’ll probably never love again, so he’ll be my pretend lover until I find someone who can love me back. Tempting, but I don’t think it’s a good idea. When you think you have something, even if you know it’s all pretense, you can get too comfortable in that pretense to let reality unfold for yourself.

But I do want him to visit. I haven’t seen him in a year now, and haven’t talked to him for the longest of times as well coz his work phone rings off the hook so he decided not to get a cellphone, that way when he ain’t at work no one could bother him. And that’s fair enough because if he had a phone, even if it meant I could call him, it also means that everyone else would be able to call him, and he wouldn’t get any sleep at all. Coz if he picks up the phone, which he would, he’d end up doing whatever the call was for, even if he hasn’t slept in days. He’s just too dedicated to his work, coz he truly does love it so much. He said he needs a vacation though. That’s why he’s gonna visit me when they send him here to Aus. He’ll come see me for a few days before going whereever they send him. And if his timing is right, I’ll follow him there, coz I think he’s going to Melbourne and my mates in Melbourne want me to visit them. So I’ll follow him to Melb to visit them and hang out with him a lil more when he ain’t busy with work. It’ll be good if it works out like that actually. But knowing his timing, it’ll probably happen when I have exams or something and I won’t be able to go.. *sigh* Just hope that he comes here when I have the time to hang out with him.

I know it’s crazy… but not only I, tend to be fatalitic in love. It’s not as though I’m NOT trying to meet new people. I AM! In fact I’ve been bolder than ever before about letting new people wander into my life just to see if there are any possibilities aside from just friendship. But when you’ve been in love with someone for over 5 years and that person is still so centered in your life, it’s really hard to not still feel that love. Specially not when he gets so sweet at times. Yeah, I’m a sucker for his sweetness. I just know that when he does fall in love again, that woman would be the absolute luckiest woman in the entire universe to have him by her side. And she’d better make him happy. Coz I know that he would give everything and all to make her happy. He deserves someone who’ll keep him warm and happy. Someone who’ll show him how beautiful he so really is. Someone who’ll get him loving life and loving to wake up everyday because he’ll be waking with her in his arms. Yeah, he needs someone like that in his life. And yes, I wanted to be that person, but if I can’t, I want him to find that person. I want him to be happy, really happy.

I’m listening to this CD Vishwa Vinayaka, and it’s truly beautiful…. Even if you don’t understand the language, it’s in Sanskrit I think, I don’t understand it either…. It’s just so beautiful and relaxing. I’ve been listening to it since yesterday, and yeah it’s really beautiful. It’s a mix of the Sanskrit scripts of prayers sung in the most beautiful manner accompanied by a mix of both western and Indian instruments… So it is just excellent.

OKay, I’ve got to pretend to be a good gal now and go back to my assignments.

Sorry if I’ve been bad at noting, coz I’m really so behind my work right now. But I will catch up!

Take care and be well all!

God bless

Sincerely,
Smiling, coz it’s so much nicer than being sad….